Life Here

Well, I have officially hit the two week mark since returning from Costa Rica, and life in the good ol' U.S. of A. has been a little rough.

I can't quite put a finger on it. When I lived in Spain during college, they always warned about culture shock, saying it was normal to feel a little blue and misunderstood by your family and friends after living abroad for so many months. But, good lord, I was only in Costa Rica for 8 days!

But something has definitely been off.

Not to be a total Debbie Downer, but my neck and back haven't helped the situation any. I've dealt with neck and back problems for over 5 years now, and for the past month I've gone days at a time where I can't move my neck to the left without excruciating pain.

So I guess it goes without saying that I've been a little bummed, a little blue, in need of an understanding ear.

But at the same time, I know I'm a lucky gal, blessed with a fabulously supportive husband and great friends and family. So this too shall pass. It has to. Really, it's like physics or something. Whatever goes up must come down.

In the midst of my internal woes, I have been plugging away at work...traveling, meeting new people and building interesting new relationships. It's almost like dating, except imagine going on 7 or 8 blind dates a week.

Not really dates, but you know what I mean. I meet new people every week and sit with them for an hour or so talking about their lives, reminiscing about their time at UT and asking them how they got where they are today.

And today I met a genuinely nice gentleman who shared something that really made me think.

He said that we live in a country of great privilege, where the majority of the things we do are because we "want" to, not because we "have" to. He challenged me to think about it, to really ponder the statement.

His example was taking care of an elderly parent or going to work. He said that at some point it's easy to become resentful of responsibilities you choose to take on in your life, but that once you recognize it is your choice and not something that is mandated over you like life or death, your perspective changes.

I'm still not sure if it's soaked in fully or if I completely buy in. But it made me think.

And you know I love to think...

I choose this life here. It makes sense, and there is promise of growth and happiness to come through the struggle. I don't always understand why I'm on this path, but I have played a major role in choosing it, and it does no good to blame anyone else or start feeling sorry for myself now.

So this is me. Choosing to be back in the states. Choosing to work my butt off to keep a positive attitude...or at least try. Choosing to find zen within me instead of in my environment. And choosing to not let money or the illusion of the American Way define my sense of fulfillment.

It may sound corny, but I pretty much have to give it a try. Otherwise, here I am, flailing on the floor, wasting time pining over a reality that isn't mine right now.

My "Costa Rica" has to be found within. And it can't be affected by other people. It has to be a constant, a sense of balance within me.

So here I go.

I'll probably be flailing and crying tomorrow cursing my momentary glimpse of clarity, but that's just me.

And I accept that.

Rough Day

You know you've had a rough day when you run to the store to grab tampons and you come home with 10 bottles of wine.

What can I say? They were having a sale and I felt like a drink.

Cheers.

Rica Tica

Here I sit in Austin, Texas, USA typing on my convenient pink laptop, enjoying air conditioning and NOT getting bit by bugs... And all I can think about is being back in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica sitting on Cody's outdoor porch in thick humidity with mosquitos swarming. What is wrong with me?!

8 days could have easily turned to 8 weeks or 8 months for me, but responsibility has a way of always bringing you back to reality. And here I sit, completely connected to the world, BlackBerry on one side, TV remote on the other, fingers gliding across this slick little piece of technology.

I am always so taken by other cultures, other people. The Ticos are such a warm and friendly bunch, proud of their country and glad to hear how much the extranjeros (foreigners) enjoy its rich beauty. Each time we would chat with another local, we would be swept into a conversation about the lush jungle, the gorgeous beaches and towering mountains. They just don't seem to miss one ounce of the beauty surrounding them.

I like that.

I have come back from this trip very pensive, very adentro (inside myself). Brian and I are on this incredible journey through life with so many blessings and so much joy, but I can't help but dream and want for more. Not "more" in the American sense, like a bigger home or nicer clothes. But "more" in the spiritual sense, a longing to see more of the world, to experience a larger sphere ouside the states.

Spanish has been such a magical language for me, providing tunnels that guide me to that sense of more. I delighted in speaking Spanish when I lived in Spain in college, and to be able to communicate with the people of Costa Rica in their native tongue was intoxicating. It is such a beautiful language filled with so much nuance and romance, and I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to learn it.

Costa Rica left a calm in me as well. It was a splendid gift to be able to take home, and my only hope is that I cling to it and not let life's stresses peel it away. Their lives are so much simpler, so much more tied to the land. And while no place is devoid of heartache and pain, I felt a different sense of fullness in Costa Rica.

About halfway through our trip we were able to go to the organic market just off the beach and purchase fresh fruits and vegetables just plucked from the countryside. Because the homes are designed to be mostly outdoors, we spent our evenings cooking delicious meals in the open air kitchen and enjoying each other's company on Cody's vast porch. It was so fun, so simple... Pura vida.

I think Brian and I will forever be changed by this amazing vacation. Already since we have been home we have spent more time reading, cooking, pondering, taking things a little slower. We're both on edge with the anticipation of our real lives flooding back towards us, me heading back to work and Brian starting school in just a few weeks. But I think there is something we can at least close our eyes and focus on - an unforgettable sunset, the way the wind felt racing through our hair on the country roads, the sound of the ocean telling you everything would be alright.






Inhale, exhale. And a sigh of gratitude. That has been our rhythm, and my prayer is that my heart keeps beating that way...