Kayla Burns Floyd

Coaching with Kayla

2012-02-12T14:52:00.000-06:00

***WHAT ISCOACHING?***

Coaching is like a wonderfully soothing massagefor your soul.

It’s all about looking at where your life is today(where the knots are), visualizing where you’d like it to be, and then workingon the gentle kneading steps to uncovering your flow.

My approach is quite simple…

The life you desire requires one thing – falling inLOVE with yourself.

Haven’t you spent enough time beating yourself upwith negative self-talk? Don’t you deserve to live a purposeful, joy-filledlife? Wouldn’t you love to wake up every morning feeling happy, light, excitedabout what’s to come?

As an intuitive and spiritual coach, I’ll workwith you to understand your true nature as you transform your thinking andredefine long-held beliefs. Together we’ll uncover your true passions as you discover a life of possibility.

You canlive your BEST LIFE today. It’s as easy as followingyour excitement and giving voice toyour whisper. You are the creator, the artist…

Join me!

***HOW MUCHDOES IT COST?***

Single Sessions - $50 (lasts approximately 45minutes to 1 hour)

Six-Session Bundle - $250

***HOW DOES IT WORK?***

We'll talk via phone at your desired frequency although weekly or every other week is recommended at first. On our calls, I'll provide you with tools and resources to support you in making positive changes in your life. The plan is not to make you dependent on coaching but to empower you to create the life you want! Eventually you may only need to talk once a month or as needed when situations arise. I still visit with my coach twice a month and always value and enjoy her perspective and insight.

During our first call, we'll talk about what you hope to get out of coaching...where you're stuck...and where you'd like to make a change. From there, everyone's program is different. We'll make a plan that feels right for you and begin working on that plan, all the while allowing space for whatever else comes up along the way.

My approach is based on the many lessons and principles I've learned in my own life as well as the teachings of people like Wayne Dyer, Bryon Katie, Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson, Caroline Myss, Joe Vitale, Allison Crow and many others. I believe fully in the Law of Attraction and the power of positive affirmations and will teach you how you can utilize these secrets to live the life you've always wanted.

The change you'll experience depends 100% on you and your commitment to your program. The life you want is at your fingertips...reach out and grab it!

"Whether you think can or think you can't, you're right." -Henry Ford

Rest - Renew - Retreat

2012-02-09T17:59:00.001-06:00

I am a HUGE believer in having something to look forward to.

Don't get me wrong, I also see the infinite importance in living in the moment. But I think the moment becomes that much sweeter when you know that you are weaving fabulous little surprises into the nows of tomorrow for yourself.

For the most part this has always equated to vacations for me. When I was in the throes of working, Brian and I religiously planned getaways twice a year at the minimum. There was one year when I went to Costa Rica THREE times within a 12 month span. Just knowing that I had that unplugged beach retreat waiting was sometimes all I needed to get me through a tough day.

Now that my life is a little less stressful (well, a LOT less stressful), I'm realizing more than ever the importance of rest and renewal. It may seem counter-intuitive to have this awakening now that I have plenty of time for myself... (We always think that lack of time makes us appreciate it more, right?) ...but to me it makes perfect sense. I now have the privilege of watching from the sidelines...seeing from the outside-in how hard my husband, friends, family and people in general work.

And we take it very, very seriously don't we?

I'm not trying to mock by any means because I was without a doubt one of 'those' people. But the blessing of time to breathe has shown me how short this life is and that we are the ones that create the rules in our head about whether we do or don't have the time to devote to ourselves.

And you DO have it. We all do. It's a choice, just like everything else.

How much time do you take for yourself to nurture, relax, breathe, meditate, experience, enjoy, stretch, laugh? Whether it's a string of days for a vacation...a mental health day from work (BIG advocate of those, by the way)...a happy hour with friends...

I think we get so busy making excuses to justify all the ways that we're victims of our own busy lives that we forget that this whole game of life is about choice. We get to choose what gives, and our choices define our experience. We aren't victims; we're CREATORS of this magic life. We get to write the story however we want.

Personally I'm looking forward to THIS!!!

And if you're in need of a retreat just for you, I would of course adore some partners in renewal at this awesome getaway!! I saved all my Christmas money and was chomping at the bit to hand it over to Allison when registration opened a few weeks back because I realize the importance of me (and because I didn't want to accidentally spend it on anything else).

With each day that gets closer to welcoming baby, I'm understanding more and more what a precious gift it is that I have learned how to care for and nurture myself. There was a time not too long ago when I would have been terrified of what a child could mean for my sense of me. But I'm happy, calm and confident about the balanced mom that I will be able to be because I have learned how to prioritize the beautiful soul that is Kayla.

What are you looking forward to? What do you offer yourself as a retreat and a chance for renewal? Where could you make room in your life to be still with yourself and whisper sweet nothings to your soul?

What if we all thought of how we could woo ourselves this Valentine's Day? What little love gift would you offer yourself? A day without judging your every move... A moment of quiet, blissful, solitude... A renewal retreat to heal your heart...

Because guess what?

You're worth it.

....And Growinnnngggg

2012-02-01T12:43:00.001-06:00

So my word for the year is "grow" and I've always found it quite interesting how when you set an intention on something, the Universe answers accordingly. Novel concept, huh?

So needless to say there's been plenty of growth happening around here.

Remember that old Flintstone vitamin commercial with the catchy little tune?

"We are Flintstone kids.
Ten million strong...
...and growinnngggg...."

Well, that tune keeps playing over and over in my head.

I picked my word largely for obvious reasons. Ahem, I'm growing a baby over here people! But I also had lots of spiritual and emotional growth in mind. I am a big believer in the mind/body connection, and total health to me marries physical fitness with the soundness of mind and heart. So a year of growth, to me, means acknowledging and honoring the many ways that I could be kinder to my body and softer on my heart. And opportunity abounds!

So how about an update?

Yes, the belly is finally growing!!! Hooray!! It is slight, and you have to look closely, but dadnabit, there's a baby bump on the horizon, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I didn't realize going into this that you spend over a third of your pregnancy with no physical belly to show for your misery. It's so comforting to finally see that little bulge, to finally see the literal fruit of all this labor rearing its cute little head.

And fruit couldn't be more apropos! All the baby apps compare this kid to a fruit size at every stage. I keep whispering to him/her that I know he's a little person and not a navel orange, but I don't think he's taking it as personally as I am. So in the photo below we were at prune at 10 weeks and now at avocado at 16 weeks. The baby is doubling in length for the next few weeks. We'll be at banana by 20 weeks, and I have the exhaustion to prove it!

And the spirit in this kid!! This baby ADORES his/her daddy. I have been able to feel the baby's energy since the beginning, not movements, just the energy. Every night Brian touches my tummy and either talks a little or sings to the baby, and literally since day one I have been able to feel the warm tingling heat of their energy swirling and intermingling inside my belly. It's breathtaking and brings a smile to my face every time. As my uterus has expanded and the baby has traveled further up in my abdominal cavity, I have felt the energy shift position as well.

As for movements, I felt the first signs of "quickening" about a week ago when Brian was touching my tummy before bed. It was like little kernels of popcorn exploding in my tummy followed by the most beautiful rays of yellow energy. I didn't really notice it again until last night when I was up late reading Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth with my hand on my tummy. Brian had already fallen asleep and I was really relaxed, enjoying all the beautiful natural birth stories.

And there it was. Like a little mouse running to one side of my stomach, this little blob shifted over to the right side to be right under my hand. I laughed out loud and tried to be ever so still.

I am so thankful for these little signs of life and vitality. Your mind can play such tricks on you at times if you let it, and I have found comfort in practicing all my affirmations and visualizations. We are having a happy, healthy baby!

As for emotional and spiritual growth, I feel like the floodgates have been opened. I am so thankful for my husband (my eternal cheerleader), my infinitely patient and supportive friends (which includes my wonderful siblings and siblings-in-law), and my coach (Allison Crow). I can't imagine where I would be if I hadn't had such strong pillars to lean on in these past few weeks.

The one thing that I am most thankful for is clarity and the expansion of perspective. I have been wrought with frustration and confusion at the random interjections of a few lately. It's strange to me how people feel like they can just suddenly pop into your life and start giving you their opinion just because you're having a baby. But through the truly bizarre, I have found something so precious and so invaluable...me.

I was asking Allison just yesterday why I'm attracting all these unwanted opinions. After all, I subscribe wholeheartedly to the Law of Attraction, so I take full responsibility that my energy is somehow bringing this on me. As she pressed me to think of what I would tell a client of my own, it became oh-so-clear...literally.

Clarity.

That's what this negativity has brought me. Beautiful, sparkling, shining, glistening clarity.

Because what happens when people start coming at you with all the things they think to be true about your life? You get very clear very quickly about what is true. Your Truth. The Truth. Truth.

And once you are able to move out of defensiveness, there you are. Just standing there. With your Truth by your side. And suddenly you realize it doesn't matter at all what anyone on the planet thinks. Just you. With the beautifully aligned little spirit growing inside you.

So what is my Truth?

My family is me, Brian and this baby. I am infinitely blessed. I am perfectly, blissfully happy with me. I am comfortable with all my ups and downs, all my confusions and tribulations, all the perfectly imperfect growth I'm experiencing. And by God I don't have to defend it or bask in approval. It just is.

Woo-sah.....

I love growing. As ol' John Mellencamp (when did he lose the Cougar, by the way?) would say, it hurts so good.

The Fat Truth About Stupid Comments

2012-01-27T12:10:00.000-06:00

The number on the scale is starting to rise, and I’m notquite sure how I feel about it. I think it would be one thing if I knew forsure it was just the baby, but I’m not. I have a sneaking suspicion my completelack of exercise and lifelong obsession with chips and queso may be an important part of the equation.

Every day I get up and say, “Today’s the day! Today’s theday I’m going to get back into my pre-pregnancy walking routine.” And thenthere is inevitably a great reason not to. The weather is one degree too cold.The wind is blowing a little too fast. I’m already clean and there wouldn’t beenough time for me to shower again before ____________. I’m nauseous. I’mtired. I might have to pee and there aren’t any bathrooms on the trail. Youknow, the normal excuses.

I always envisioned myself as one of those annoyingly happy,beautifully pregnant people. I saw myself cheering at each gained pound andgliding past onlookers in gloriously snug little maternity outfits that would showcasemy growing bump and otherwise trim body. I imagined I would exercise constantlyand feel inspired to eat only the healthiest of foods because after all, I wouldonly want the absolute best for mychild.

Ha!

Most days I’m too uninspired to even change out of myglasses into my contacts, and the only gliding I’ve done is into the nextMexican food restaurant to devour today’s version of cheese and carbs. Sure, Ieat mostly organic at home, and we prepare lots of lovely smoothies and healthygreen juices and beautiful fresh veggie medleys. But it’s not these meals thatI’m thinking is contributing to my expanding ass. I’m a little more concernedabout all the meals in between. Do you really think Trudy’s or Vivo or Tacodelior Torchy’s or Freebirds or Maudie’s (yes, these are only a few of my latest meal-suppliers) arebending over backwards to make sure my baby has only the safest, freshestingredients?

Breathe Kayla. This is what I tell myself. Take it easy onyourself. You are doing the best you can. And one bad meal out of three in aday isn’t the end of the world. But I guess I just didn’t bargain for howincredibly confusing it would feel to watch the scale go up, up, up. I’m awoman damnit! I’m used to removing every last piece of clothing that couldpossibly weigh even an ounce, holding my breath, gingerly stepping on the scale,and then praying that it will be down, down, down from yesterday.

And maybe I should caution…I’m really not in the mood forcriticism, okay? I don’t think I’ve done enough prefacing in my heightenedhormonal state. Yes, I’m sharing this experience because that’s what I do. Andyes, oftentimes maybe it seems as though I’m looking for feedback becausesometimes I am. Well, I’m not. Take a few notes from my husband. Just smile andpat me on the back and tell me how wonderful I am and how great I’m doing.Okay? Got it?

And since this is kind of heading towards rant, please let meoffer another piece of advice. STOP TELLING PREGNANT WOMEN YOUR HORRIBLE BIRTHSTORIES! Did you hear me? What in the world makes people feel the need to dothis? If I hear about one more dead baby just weeks prior to birth or one morebotched epidural (not having one of those, people!) or one more horrible birthdefect, I think I’m literally going to unload every curse word I know on that nextunsuspecting person to open their mouth. Would you go up to a person who youknow has cancer and tell them about your dead relative who painfully, horriblydied from the disease? No, you wouldn’t. Then why on earth do you feel it’syour God-given duty to tell me about your (or your friend’s or your sister’s oryour sister’s cousin’s friend’s) AWFUL birth story?! Seriously? Seriously? Haseveryone lost their ever-loving minds? Because that’s what it feels like mostdays.

Well, I feel much better.

I can’t tell if my tolerance for people has gone down or ifeveryone is just in an increased state of crazy around pregnant women. Eitherway, I’m encouraging the counting rule. You know, the one where you have athought, count to five, check and see if it’s still a good thought, and thendecide if you want to open your mouth or not. I’m thinking we could save a lotof awkward moments for all of us. And my baby has ears now, okay? It can hearthe strings of expletives mommy is unloading. So you’re really doing it for mybaby.

Well, for a post that was supposed to be about my musings onthis whole weight gain thing, we took quite the turn, huh? Welcome to pregnancy!The ultimate case of where you started is never where you end up. Kind of likehow whiskey and great sex equals one night of amnesia of decision making andturns into a life-long responsibility…I mean, a little bundle of joy. ;)

What would I be if not for my sense of humor?

Shamu, signing out.

April in Alicante, Part 3

2012-01-25T01:03:00.001-06:00

I have had these pictures loaded for MONTHS and was gleefully reminded of Alicante tonight when a friend reached out to get info for a friend of hers who is traveling there.

What? You want ME to talk about ALICANTE? Do you have 12 years and endless patience because I could seriously go on and on and on and on and on....

You get the idea!

So I was inspired by this guy's pending trip and thought maybe we could all whisk back in time together to April of last year when Brian, Dana and me were smack dab in the middle of our very own Alicante adventure.

Remember Part 1 and Part 2 of the trip so far? A fabulously serendipitous afternoon with my host mom of 10 years ago and a nice and sweaty climb up the castle...

Well, here's the rest of the story!

After an afternoon overflowing with sweet surprises from the Universe and sprawling views of the city, we headed back to our little apartment to clean up and get ready for a proper Saturday night on the town.

And just as we were freshening up, we heard an ear-bursting BANG from the street outside our little cave apartment. Dana opened the little window on our door and smoke came billowing in...what the hell?

Of course it was a full on parade. (Claro!) Of course they were setting off firecrackers in advance of the marching band. (Claro!) And offfff cooooourse there was an overly-friendly, English-speaking British woman who saw us peek our heads out and invited us to march along. (CLARO! And only in Alicante...)

So I'm not even kidding, folks. We paused the whole cleaning up routine, grabbed the camera, and marched along in the parade!

Turns out they were crowning the queen of the barrio...which was a very special ordeal because it hadn't been taking place for the last 8 or some odd years.

So we followed the entourage all the way up to the little chapel on the hill where there was food, drinks, revelry, and of course costumed, dancing children. It was absolutely spectacular. The chairs were lined with proud parents, cameras and video recorders steadily capturing the magic...cigarettes dutifully perched on lips. Classic. Spain.

Then it was finally time for the big crowning! Check out her dress! The textile on top of her skirt is the same as on her shoes.

We stuck around just long enough for the speeches and the obligatory beauty queen wave. I tried to translate the best I could for Brian and Dana, but I was honestly so distracted by how freaking awesome this whole day had been. First we run into my host mom and spend the afternoon making tortilla espanola. Then we climb my favorite castle perched over one of my favorite cities. NOW we were invited into a parade and watching a legit neighborhood beauty queen being crowned. Seriously cool!

After we left the chapel we found a little route to the restaurant Brian had been trying to reach from the castle. We were exhilarated from our amazing day and ready for some vino and some sweeping sunset views of the city and the Med.

But when we got there the place was closed and they were setting up for a wedding! Sad for us...freaking amazing for whoever was getting married overlooking Alicante!

No pasa nada. We went back home, got cleaned up, grabbed a bite, and prepared for an epic Saturday night in Alicante.

First stop? Well, Mulligan's of course.

My study abroad friends and I had passed many hours at this bar (as well as another one called O'Connell's which was sadly closed), and I had to revisit one college cocktail that could not be easily forgotten...the Irish Car Bomb.

Brian and Dana had agreed to my little trip down memory lane to kick off our night, but unfortunately there'd been a few staff changes in the last 9 years (imagine that) and somehow the current bartenders at this IRISH pub did not know what in the hell an IRISH car bomb was.

Ay dios mio!

Seriously? And on top of that, I don't think they had one of the key ingredients...you know, the IRISH beer...or the IRISH whiskey...or maybe it was the IRISH cream.

Nevertheless, we were not deterred. We went next door to Murphy's, another conveniently placed Irish bar and tried again. Sadly these people were just as clueless, but they at least had the right makings for the drink.

See Brian at the far right at the bar in the photo below? Well, he was there for probably a solid 5-7 minutes trying to explain to these people how to make this drink. Seriously? What is wrong with today's college kids? Are you not going on your study abroad trips partying in Irish bars getting hammered drinking Irish car bombs? Really? Reeeallly?

By the time we finally got to the drinking of this tasty beverage we had attracted quite an audience. Brian said the only thing funnier than explaining the drink to the bartender and the onlookers at the bar was watching her try to figure out how to ring it up. Yes, we probably paid 10 euro each ($15) for those drinks, but I was going to have my damn Irish Car Bomb! We're talking nostalgia here people!

Drop the shot....

Down the hatch! Yum, yum and a very full tum-tum!

What followed is pretty self-explanatory from the montage of photos below....a good, old-fashioned Saturday night in Alicante! Bar-hopping, people-watching, cocktail-sipping, and great-time-having!

The Texas kids are still representing! :)

Pregnant 2012 Kayla is looking back at drinking, traveling, fun-having 2011 Kayla and sighing a little. But I am OH-SO thankful that Brian and I had that time in Spain last year!! What a magical few months to put on the books before baby!!

And I'm pretty sure Dallas Dana is looking at Spain Dana and getting a pretty big smile right now too.... :)

The routine in Alicante is the barrio until about 3am...followed by the puerto for late night dancing...maybe some kebab eating...and back in the day we'd throw in a little late-night swimming. Spoiler alert...2011 Kayla did not get in that cold-ass water. She left that to 2002 Kayla.

La Biblioteca (pictured above) was one of our study abroad haunts...still there!

Walking down the Rambla toward the puerto...

I had forgotten about this huge majestic tree! Sigh. Another little Alicante gem that brought a smile to my face.

I needed to pee really bad and lo and behold there was a casino at the puerto! When did that get there? So Dana and I thought it would make for a fun bathroom stop...

And was it ever! This little cutie was on the inside door of the bathroom stall to keep you company while you did your business. How thoughtful.

I devoured a vegetarian version of the kebabs that I used to eat so often late-night, and we did a little dancing at one of the discos on the puerto just for good measure. I think I finally had to call it a night around 6am...late for US standards...pretty weak for Alicante standards. I had expected to walk home with the sun, but lo and behold I'd gotten lamer in my 9 years since living in Alicante.

We walked home to this gorgeous sight of the castle at night and prepared ourselves for a lazy day lounging on one of my favorite beaches...

The Truth About Pregnancy...Well, My Pregnancy

2012-01-18T12:35:00.002-06:00

I'm 14 weeks into this whole pregnancy thing and people keepmaking really well-meaning remarks about how fun it would be to read my pregnancy journal.

Except I haven't really kept a pregnancy journal.

So I decided that perhaps it was time to write the story of this little lemon...which is where the baby books say we are size-wise in his/her development. I'm still not sure how I feel about all the fruit references, but in the grand scheme of things I figure I have a few bigger things to worry about. You know, like the actual lemon-sized thing that I'll be caring for in six short months!

I found out about the little sesame seed on Friday, November4. I had been feeling kind of dizzy that week and really just took thepregnancy test to rule out being knocked up so that I could drink guilt-freeall weekend.

Obviously that didn’t happen.

I wasn’t even supposed to start myperiod until Sunday or Monday, so imagine my surprise. One faint little plussign from a 3 year old test. Three tests later, I had one “pregnant”, oneslightly darker plus, and a definitiveyep-you’re-pregnant-so-stop-wasting-money-on-expensive-pregnancy-tests from yetanother Error Proof Test. Cleverly annoying name when you’re standing thereholding a positive test thinking, “I wonder if this could be some kind oferror.”

That weekend I think I was more emotionally distraught thanphysically sick. Brian and I went to a restaurant that evening to meetsome old friends of his who were visiting from his hometown only to realize we were a week early. Who doesthat? Lo and behold we ended up running into a different set of friends and joined them for drinks while they waited for their table. I gingerly sipped a soda water while everyone else gabbed over cocktailsand beers.

It was the strangest feeling…knowing you have a secret thatyou can’t tell, that is. It’s almost impossible to really engage in any otherconversation. I remember our friend was telling the most outlandish stories about his recent trip to Egypt, and all I could think was“oh shit, I’m pregnant; oh shit, I’m pregnant; oh shit, am I really pregnant?”Every now and then I would tune back into the story just in time to hear aboutthe limo driver with the machine gun or the 6am private tour of the pyramidsand think, “I’ve really got to focus!”

The next morning was the UT/Tech football game, and standingaround a tailgate was the absolute LAST thing I felt like doing. So I droppedBrian off bright and early and headed off to buy prenatal vitamins and babybooks. Which still sounds odd even typing it. Prenatal vitamins and baby books?Was this really happening?

I think I sat glazed in the baby section of Half Price booksfor over an hour. I had called a friend prior to going…the only friend I hadtold thus far…and gotten recommendations of what to buy. I found each and everybook she had mentioned and cautiously thumbed through the pages as I slurpeddown my tropical coconut fruit smoothie despite the frigid temperatures outside. I keptthinking that this didn’t feel real and wondering if this little speck of lifewas going to decide to stick around.

It’s the oddest thing when you find out about an unexpectedpregnancy. On one hand you’re completely pissed that this thing that you weren’teven sure you wanted at this time in your life is “happening” to you…and on the other hand you’restone-cold terrified that something bad will happen and its little life willslip from your grips. I was so afraid of miscarriage, especially considering myendometriosis and surgery a year earlier, and I already found myself bargainingwith God. Even if just because I couldn’t handle the emotional roller coasterof 'is it' or 'isn’t it.'

We were staying with friends that week because of a hiccup with our tiny rented efficiency condo, and I spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying the time alone in their spacious home. I passed my day lounging on the couch,flipping through books, and resting. I was suddenly dog tired, and I remembertalking to my sufficiently sauced husband over the phone after the footballgame and asking for a couple more hours to sleep before retrieving him. When Ifinally peeled myself from the couch to make the trek downtown, it was 5o’clock and I was starved...a feeling I would soon get to know all too well.

I felt so alone that day, and I remember wondering if thisis what motherhood was going to feel like. Brian’s life had continued on asnormal; well maybe with a little more booze than normal. And yet nothing aboutmy existence felt remotely similar to a day prior. But at the same time, notmuch had changed on the surface.

I ended up getting horribly ill that following Monday night intoTuesday. I was up all night throwing up a ravioli soup that I myself had made(and will undoubtedly never eat again), and I ran a fever all day Tuesday.Since we don’t have health insurance, I finally ended up taking myself tourgent care at about 2 o’clock in the afternoon. I sobbed to the doctor aboutbeing 4 weeks pregnant and asked between sniffles if I had already baked mybaby to smithereens with my fever.

He was of course the sweetest man the Universe couldpossibly conjure and assured me that my baby was healthy and well and that mybody would turn on itself before it let anything happen to that baby.

Thatshould have been my first clue that maybe pregnancy wasn’t going to be rosesand sunshine. Anytime anyone says anything about your own body de-prioritizingyour own physical health and comfort in the name of the foreign thinggrowing inside you, that’s a pretty good indication there’s more physical woeto come.

I somehow survived my 24-hour bug without meds or furtherincident and lived to see that 5^th week of pregnancy. I had calledthe birthing center first thing Monday morning after finding out I was pregnantand scheduled a tour for the following week. So at the beginning of week 5, Itook my secretly pregnant self to the birthing center and walked into yet another surreal moment.

If buying prenatalvitamins and baby books felt odd, this was downrightforeign…dream-like…unbelievable. Was I seriously touring a birthing center?Like where people have babies?

I think it’s fair to point out that the stage of denial wasalive and well in the Floyd household.

I went through the motions of course. Itook the notes. I listened intently to the midwife. I answered all thequestions. And then I signed up.

That was that. I was crossing this baby shitoff left and right. Who said this was hard? I dutifully went over all the insand outs that night with Brian and quietly wondered if this little zygote wouldhang on long enough for the first scheduled appointment 4 weeks later.

I don’t remember the exact date, but I think it was probablyabout then that The Sickness began. Let’s not misunderstand. There was nopuking. Just the violent, aching, throbbing, pulsing NEED to puke. And we’renot talking morning sickness; we’retalking ALL-DAY sickness. It felt like those hangovers that go to your stomach,except when you wake up the next morning you realize you weren’t drunk, you’rejust pregnant.

And that pretty much describes November. Drunken fog withoutthe drunk.

Oh, and did I mention that all the while you’re trying to act likeyou don’t feel like hurling so people don’t know you’re pregnant?

Yep, that was next on the list. Who do we tell? And when?Brian wanted to wait until 12 weeks because he thought that’s “what you do,”but I of course was dying to tell somebody…everybody! And not even because Iwas super elated, which I was at times. But more because I just needed peopleto know. I needed to be authentically me. And the authentic me didn’t keepsecrets like this.

More so I needed someone to vent to about all theseconflicting emotions of joy and fear and anger and sadness. Brian and I always knew we wanted to have kids "one day" but now that "one day" was here, I felt so unprepared...so blindsided.

Prior to gettingpregnant I had never felt so sure of myself, so optimistic, so alive. And now Ifelt so unsure, so scared, so…queasy. To say that my life changed completely isa gross understatement. I went from walking 15 miles a week to struggling towalk the 15 steps to the bathroom. From coaching others on living their bestlives to questioning the Universe as to how It could possibly think this was inmy best interest. From being a vegan to devouring cheese like a pig rooting outtruffles.

Yep, that was a biggie. I had been a vegetarian for nearlytwo years and had become a vegan about a month before getting pregnant. And tosay that I craved cheese during The Sickness is putting it mildly. I didn’tcrave it. I needed it. I longed for it. I pined for it like a vampire thirstsfor blood. Goodbye veganism. Hello cheese monger. This kid was already changingmy life. And I wasn’t sure I liked it.

It’s an uncomfortable thing for everyone, I’ve realized,when a pregnant woman admits that she isn’t bounding out of bed every morningand dropping to her knees in gratitude for this little miracle. Of course I’mthankful for this baby. The one thing I have absolutely believed all my life isthat everything happens for a reason. But I’d be lying if I said that I didn’tgo through trials in life that made me question and then eventually reaffirmthat belief.

So the first trimester has been the questioning. And while Isit in the nausea and exhaustion and achy boobs, I trust that the reaffirmingwill come when I have that beautiful baby in my arms. I’m not pressuring myselfto be somewhere I’m not, even though I know it would make everyone else a lotmore comfortable. Because God forbid a woman tell the truth about all thesurging emotions she has while a host of hormones are charging through herveins.

The last few weeks have been tough. No one tells you thatyou don’t really feel pregnant rightaway. My body isn’t really growing. Well, aside from my boobs that is. Thosehave grown enough for three women. And I have of course surpassed non-vulgarcontainment in any normal bra I own and have been resigned to wearing my hotpink full-support sports bra EVERY DAY for the last 8 weeks. Yep, I’m a pictureof sexiness.

I guess I thought the little baby bump just pops right outfrom the beginning and you just beam with the glow of creating life. After all,this kid is bigger than a peach by now…my uterus a small melon (can you believethat?). And I’m not complaining that I haven’t gained weight…trust me! But it’shard to feel all gushy and pregnant when the only real indicator that anythingis different is feeling like complete dog shit all the time and not being able to enjoy the glass of wine that seemed to help you exhale.

So here I am. Thankful that the lauded second trimester has finally come. Cautiously optimistic about the next six months. Looking forward to our first ultrasound in a month and confirming or debunking my suspicions about the sex of this little person growing inside me.

As I honestly told a friend the other day when sharing the pregnancy news, I think I can safely say that Brian and I have finally moved from the "oh shit" phase into the "oh yay" phase. And I'm starting to realize that maybe the whole waiting-to-tell-people-until-after-the-first-trimester is less about risk of miscarriage and more about giving the parents a chance to get used to the idea before facing the barrage of questions from everyone else.

Oh God, and speaking of questions. I know this is getting long, but I have to say it.

If I never hear "Are you SO excited?" again, it will be too soon. Please think twice before you ask a pregnant woman that question. Or at least ask yourself if you really want to hear the answer. Because YES we're excited to some extent. But we're also confused, hormonally-imbalanced, nauseous, exhausted, scared...need I go on?

And that's exactly the message I guess I'm trying to convey. The truth about pregnancy is that it is the perfect mix of imperfection. The rough patches teach us something so beautiful...at least they have taught me....

To be where I'm at.

And to respect, honor and love that. No matter how uncomfortable it makes someone else.

I trust that the pure unadulterated excitement will come when I feel that first kick. I know I will be forever transformed when I peer into that little face so perfectly splashed with Brian's charm and my tenderness. I am allowing the Universe to imprint this experience on my heart in exactly the way it likes.

And for me that's okay. It's enough. Because it's my truth. My pregnancy. My journey.

A Year in a Word

2012-01-03T12:46:00.000-06:00

Starting in 2008 I adopted a tradition of choosing a theme word for my year...the essence of what I intended to create month over month in my heart and life. I have adored this simple practice and treasured it as a way of re-centering and re-focusing throughout the year.

And it's that time again!!

But before I get into this year's word, I want to take a peek back at the words of years past and all the beautiful creations that have spawned from this purposeful practice...

2008 was the year of EXPRESS. This was the year I started my blog (hence the "expressing" myself). I chose the word mid-year after I heard about the concept from my big sister and decided I'd stick to choosing verbs if I could because I loved the implied action that comes from verbs...literally getting MOVING in your life.

I remember feeling all bottled up this year. I had started a great new job the year prior and by all accounts should (there's that word...) have been happy. But I wasn't. I knew I was ignoring my whisper. I knew I needed to get writing and get real with myself. So I chose EXPRESS and thereby gave myself that little permission I needed to be me.

And what did I end up with to show for it? Well, this blog for one.

I also made the leap to have a real conversation with my boss about my role and ended up transitioning into a role that better suited me by year's end. I made an incredible new friend that ended up only being in my life for that season. But when I look back, I smile knowing that she was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time to help me truly embody the spirit of expression I so desperately desired.

2009 followed as the year of HEAL. I could go on and on about this one. I suffered a neck and back injury in 2004 due to one of those stupid why-on-earth-did-I-think-that-was-a-good-idea accidents that leaves you kicking yourself for years to come. And because of it I was plagued with chronic pain which, coupled with the emotional pain of lots of baggage left unchecked, had left a pretty dark spot on my heart.

So I committed to myself that this year would be about addressing those wounds, both physical and emotional, and allowing myself the space I needed to feel them...to acknowledge them...and then to let them go like a ship gently passing on the horizon. And what a year it was!!!!!

A surprise photo for my year of "HEAL" from Lacy on the beaches of sunny California

I was so open to whatever package that healing would come in that this is the year that I'm quite certain the "other side" was doing back handsprings with excitement. This was the year of Michael the Medium...Francis the Healer...Dr. Wong the Miracle Worker...and Kayla the Intuitive. My whole world quite literally transformed this year because of one girl's humble intention to heal her body, heal her heart and her life. Me.

In 2010 I chose ADELANTE. A Spanish word to match my Spanish dreams! It was my first year to deviate from a verb, but what it lacked in motion it made up for in cultural charm. Adelante translates as forward or ahead. And that's exactly where I wanted to look in 2010....FORWARD! Brian was set to apply for study abroad in Spain that February, and all I could think about was propelling us forward to making that dream a reality.

You all know the rest of that story...he was accepted into the program and we spent the bulk of 2010 preparing for our Spanish sojourn. Among the stress and heartache that comes with being in a career that isn't quite suited for you, I was able to keep my eyes ADELANTE and find the joy in knowing that each day was bringing us closer to our goal. With that mindset, I survived a summer without my husband while he interned in Houston, I took my first vacation ALONE to my beloved Costa Rica, I packed and closed on our house mostly solo, I adopted the go-with-the-flow attitude needed to live in transition, and I gracefully rolled with the punches when a surprise surgery rounded out my year.

Solo vacations = lots of long arm self-portraits :)

Brave little pin cushion

Turning in my keys on my last day of work Dec 15, 2010

And then the clock struck 2011! And what a year it has been! This year was the year of PROMISE. Promises realized...an adventure full of promise...a reminder to keep the very precious promises I made to myself. And it has turned into so much more.

Arriving in Spain that first day was the most intoxicating "promise-fulfilled" ever. Since the day I left Spanish soil in 2002 I vowed I'd live there again one day. I didn't know when or how, but I knew I'd make it back. And I did. Super. Freaking. Cool.

I had also made a very important promise to myself going into Spain, and I chose my word this past year with that in mind. I promised myself that I would ENJOY EVERY MINUTE of that trip...that I wouldn't feel guilty for not working...and that I'd devote my energy to pure creative bliss...writing when I wanted, sleeping when I felt like, and basically honoring every whim or urge oozing from my beautiful body.

And boy was I tested. I literally spent the first few weeks waking up every morning in a panic that I needed to get to work. Yuck. I was offered a short-term job in Barcelona by our apartment locator that I considered for about 5 minutes before I reminded myself of those very important promises. And when Brian didn't yet have a job back home and we were tempted to worry and potentially ruin our trip with anxiety about the future, I remembered our promise to enjoy this experience in each and every moment.

I think I could devote a book to the promises fulfilled this year. Heck, maybe I will. But for now, the most important essence of this whole year is that I HONORED ME. I said, maybe for the first time, "hey, I'm worth this...I'm worth enjoying these amazing experiences...and by God I'm going to." I am so infinitely thankful for that act of self-love and self-compassion. It led me home to Austin. It guided me to Allison. It introduced me to my new friend coaching. And it has forever changed my life for the better.

So where to go in 2012? This year's word was easy. GROW. Where else is there to go from experiences like those of 2011 but up? This year I'm growing in so many beautiful ways. My body will physically grow with life as this child expands inside me. My family is growing to an exciting three. My perspective is growing with each new coaching client, each new interaction. My heart is growing as I prepare for a love I'm not sure I can even fathom.

And I'm not scared anymore.

There was definitely a time in my life when I didn't even realize it, but I was afraid to grow. That was the same girl who thought she had it all together but also thought she didn't have control issues. Ha.

I'm willing to take the risk this year. I'm willing to take the hurt with the joy. What I learned most poignantly in 2011 is that growth isn't always easy. Losing family members is unexplainable at times. Facing rejection after rejection often doesn't feel "divine." Living in 388 square feet isn't quite the definition of comfy. But it isn't about always having the answer or feeling certain 100% of the time or being comfortable. It's about being open...allowing this Universe to imprint upon you it's beautiful story...and then finding the good even amidst the clutter.

This year I will grow. I will pick myself up from the hurts. I will intensely celebrate the joys. I will welcome the unexpected changes. Like a baby.

Express. Heal. Adelante. Promise. Grow.

I love this magic life.

A Change of Plans

2011-12-13T15:43:00.001-06:00

I started a monthly women's group here in Austin in October called LOVE - TRUST - LIVE. The actual taglines for the group are "Spread Love. Trust the Universe. Live in the Moment." and the goal is to bring like-minded women together for authentic conversations about living our best lives.

And after only one meeting, the group has already changed my life and my perspective immensely.

We are only hours away from our 2nd meeting, and I am already learning so much about listening to my whisper and what it means to truly trust. My husband and I received horrible news last night about a death in our family, and we are lost to say the least. I leaned on a friend and expressed my worry about tonight's meeting...about trying to "keep it all together" so I could lead a meaningful group session.

And she said to me what I would probably in my right mind say to a friend in the same situation...

"Why are you trying to keep it all together? Fall apart."

The Universe laughed that loving, compassionate laugh, I'm sure, and through Allison, it softly reminded me to listen to my whisper...to be authentic...to stay true to the essence I originally intended for the group.

So I did.

I reached out to everyone coming, asked for love and grace and leaned on trust. Trust that tonight will turn out to be exactly what it's supposed to be. Trust that exactly the right people will show up and we'll have exactly the right conversations we all need. Trust that this change of plans was probably the Universe's real plan all along.

In the Tao, Lao-Tzu speaks about life as being related to flexibility and pliability, like blades of grass that lovingly bow under the pressure of your foot only to spring back erect and supple. He likens death to rigidity and inflexibility, like winter's dead tree limbs that easily snap at the slightest touch.

We are meant to consort with life...to be flexible and pliable...to bend and stretch...and to willingly find new perspective.

And that is the lesson I am learning through my role in LOVE - TRUST - LIVE. I'm learning to be flexible with myself, to trust that others will bend with me, and to embrace the new perspective that results. And for that I am so infinitely grateful.

EGO = Edging God Out

2011-12-02T11:20:00.001-06:00

For the past couple days I have been completely engrossed in a 6-CD audio seminar by Wayne Dyer. I grabbed it from Half Price Books as an impulse buy a little over a week ago when I was shopping for a different audio book for my and Brian's 7 hour trek out west for Thanksgiving.

I had only listened to about half of the first CD over the last week when serendipitously a friend of mine had to cancel last minute for a walk we were supposed to take early Wednesday morning. I was already up and dressed, so I figured I would hit the trail and take along my iPod loaded with the seminar CDs. My solo walks have been some of my best meditation times in these last 3 months, and since I believe nothing happens on accident, I assumed this was the Universe's loving nudge encouraging me to spend some quality Kayla time.

What ensued was a leisurely 2-hour walk where I found myself purposely slowing the pace, intentionally taking breaks, and buying more and more time to listen to yet another installment of this great seminar.

In the CDs Wayne talks about his year studying and living the Tao (pronounced Dow) Te Ching, an ancient Chinese text containing 81 verses about life or "the way" written by Chinese master Lao-Tzu. And a core part of Dr. Dyer's message as interpreted from his studies centers around the ever-slippery ego.

Dr. Dyer defines the ego by its characters E-G-O, as in Edging God Out and says that there are six main lies the ego is constantly trying to convince us of to keep itself in tact and powerful.

1. I am what I have.
2. I am what I do.
3. I am what people think of me.
4. I am separate from everyone else.
5. I am separate from what's missing in my life.
6. I am separate from God.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, and wow. That's six, right?

If ever there was a more eloquent definition, I have yet to read it. In my experience in my own life as well as in this new coaching life, this pretty much sums it up for me and everyone else I know. The first three are in my opinion a perfect embodiment of the rat race known as the American way, and the second three are the obvious impetus behind the first.

Because as I see it, if you didn't buy into the notion of your separateness, then you wouldn't need to spend so much time defining yourself by your possessions, your achievements or your reputation. You would understand that you have, do and are everything you need simply by your association with the Source.

It's so unbelievably freeing and so plainly simple. If I believe in my connectedness with God and that God is truly in everyone and everything, then separateness becomes impossible. And if I'm not worried about being separate, there's no need to differentiate myself by acquiring things, earning accolades or seeking approval.

You just get to be.

Doesn't that just make you want to exhale a huge sigh of relief.

What if you bought into that concept for even a minute? What if who you are as a connected, God-created being abiding in the Oneness of life was all you had to accomplish each day? What if you could wake up and happily say "Done and done!" and then just go about the business of soaking in and enjoying this beautiful life in each and every perfect moment?

As a recovering achievement-seeker, it sounds pretty awesome to me.

The other beautiful takeaway I got from the seminar was Dr. Dyer's description of growing babies en utero as the perfect example of a Godly being living the Tao. They just allow themselves to be 'done,' as in they allow life to happen to them and for them.

As Dr. Dyer said, they don't sit in the womb freaking out saying "Geez, I sure I hope I get a freaking nose soon."

No, they just exist. They just grow and experience and wait and trust. It's from birth and beyond that suddenly we learn the habit of telling the Universe, "I got this" instead of continuing to let life guide us.

I'm so enthralled by that. It's such a beautiful, poetic explanation of another one of my favorite Universal concepts, which is "allow"...allowing others, allowing yourself, allowing experiences, allowing life, and above all allowing God.

Today "Let Go and Let God" has whole new meaning for me...and I'm creating my own definition of the pure loving awareness inside of me...

Letting
Oneness
Validate
Everything

Today I'm meditating on allowing my oneness with Source to be all the validation I need! And to feel the amazing LOVE that comes along with that. What a great rainy-day refrain.

I Need Your Opinion!

2011-12-01T11:18:00.001-06:00

I am normally one of the most decisive people I know. Seriously!

But for some reason, I can't make a decision to save my life today, so I need your help. I won a free 8x10 photo canvas from a promotion, and I have to decide what picture I want to use by the end of the day today. Or maybe it's tomorrow. Ha! See? This is part of my clarity problem...I'm not even clear on the deadline.

Anyways, I definitely want to use a Barcelona pic so Brian and I will have a nice memento of our trip together, but I'm at a loss of which photo to pick. Can you do me a favor and let me know your fave?

PHOTO 1 (by Kristina Bagge):

Me and Brian walking hand-in-hand at night in the Gothic quarter

PHOTO 2:

Barceloneta from our fave spot on the beach

PHOTO 3:

Barcelona Beach with the view of the W

PHOTO 4:

Parc Guell mosaic

PHOTO 5:

Sagrada Familia stained glass 1

PHOTO 6:

Sagrada Familia stained glass 2

Campaign for Confidence

2011-11-16T12:52:00.001-06:00

Today is a VERY exciting day for women everywhere! My big sister - Lacy Young, Health Coach - has launched the very cool, very inspirational CAMPAIGN FOR CONFIDENCE in the name of YOU loving YOU...a cause I can wholeheartedly fling myself behind!

Since our teens Lacy and I have been in an ongoing conversation about what it would take to finally love our bodies. I mean REALLY, unconditionally, unabashedly love our bodies. We've supported each other through size 6 and size 16...through fad diets and all-out binges...through skinny elation and fat sobbing. Together we've pondered if self-love would always be so tied to the damn scale and if ever there would be a day when our self-confidence wasn't directly correlated with the size jeans we were wearing.

And guess what?

That day is today!

It's no coincidence that Lace and I have somehow landed in this beautiful spot at the same time. The Universe is perfect, after all. So it brings me such pure, unadulterated joy to not only support her in this amazing endeavor, but to participate as well!

That's right...I immediately stripped off the shirt, grabbed the camera, raided the fridge, and joined the movement to say I LOVE MY BODY and I ADORE FEEDING IT WELL!

Health...greens...vegetables...fruits...exercise... These are no longer 4-letter words to me. I feel empowered by food. I feel nourished and energized by food. I feel happy and healthy, and I'm grateful to the life-giving food that supports me in my best life everyday.

So here's to my BIG SIS...my cheerleader, friend, confidante, and partner-in-crime. And here's to taking it all off in the name of loving ME!

Oh! And not only did I follow the assignment and snap a few topless self-portraits with my fave veggies...I decided to add a little Kayla love as well. This is the REAL ME folks...sans makeup, full-on bedhead, and glasses!

Here's to the Campaign for Confidence and loving you for you just as you are today...in all your perfect imperfection. Check out my sister's press release, visit the Campaign for Confidence website and submit your photos today!!

My Sparkle

2011-11-10T11:52:00.000-06:00

So Stella got her groove back, and I think I may have finally gotten my sparkle back. It happened kind of suddenly, so I'm still investigating, but I'm pretty sure it's there! Just as bright, shiny and full of exuberance as it was when I was wearing purple leg warmers and singing along to my Get-In-Shape-Girl tapes with my totable tape deck and microphone in the early 80s.

My coach Allison and I talk about standing shoulder-to-shoulder with our clients, and I couldn't feel that more emphatically than today. Just as I encourage others along their journeys, here I am strolling along mine...working through exercises, digging into my soul, pondering the lessons. And this week's inner child work in our coaching group has me in the trenches realizing some pretty powerful stuff.

Our assignment this week is based on a Cheryl Richardson (love her) exercise:

"Start your week with an enormous amount of self love and compassion. Rather than beat yourself up for eating too much, spending too much, doing too much, or not doing enough, choose a new tactic. Love that adorable you!

Find a sweet photo of yourself as a child and keep it with you. Then, look at it every time you catch yourself being mean to yourself and say, "Whoa! I'd never talk to you that way. Let's find a better plan." Trust me, you'll feel so much safer with yourself and your whole world will change."

I always seem to come back to this photo:

Maybe it's because it's one of the only scanned, digital photos I have of me as a kiddo. Maybe it's because my big sister used it on a blog post for one of my birthdays. Or maybe it's because this is the exactly the photo the Universe wants me to come back to...

When the world ended at my driveway. When I was surrounded by more love than some kids get in a lifetime. When cats named Flybutton could soar and magical flowers grew in the backyard and the Old Wagon Wheel trail behind our house held treasures beyond my imagination...

I wrote a letter to this little Kayla today, giving her advice, wisdom, and kind words, and as I did this line escaped from my fingertips:

"It doesn't have to take 30 years for you to recapture your sparkle. But it's okay if it does. Because this is your journey. And you get to choose what you want for it."

Tears welled in my eyes. I don't think I realized I had lost my sparkle until I wrote those words. Oh, but I most certainly had. Suddenly years worth of pain, angst, responsibility, pressure, striving to be enough...to gain approval...it all came bubbling to the surface.

I have been on this beautiful, patient, nurturing journey in the past few months aimed at loving this stuff up and out of my life, and yet it still startles me at times when the wounds open again.

I said on our group call this week that I was so thankful for the repetition in my life these days. Used to I would beat myself up for not catching on or learning something the first time. But these days, when I find myself "getting it" yet again...even if it's something that I thought I'd already "gotten".... I just find myself grateful that I have the opportunity to keep hearing the lesson over and over.

Well, that's certainly the case with little Kayla. Every time I talk to her... Every time I pull out this photo... I seem to find a new little boo-boo to heal... a new opportunity to pull out a band-aid, seal off the wound with some medicine and a kiss, and send her off to play again.

So that's how it was with my sparkle.

I was TOTALLY born sparkling. Moment after moment comes to mind! The sparkle of my little kid laugh (I can still hear it in my mind). The sparkle of my little kid independence (I can remember occupying myself in my closet or the back yard for hours). The sparkle of my thoughts and ideas (I can remember always having so much to say...so much to SHARE!).

And somewhere along the way I fizzled it right out. I decided to believe that I laughed too loud. I decided to believe that I needed to please others instead of myself. I decided to believe that I talked too much. Can you feel the sparkle fade?

Well, I'm done believing all that. And since I believe that true love, positive energy and the will of the Universe can bend time and space, I'm retroactively deciding to believe in my sparkle.

So there.

And I'll learn it again if need be. Gratefully.

But right now I'm content to shine. :)

YOU Can Heal YOU

2011-11-02T16:31:00.002-05:00

In all my studies in the last few months on wellness, the Law of Attraction, the power of positive thinking, and the energy of the human mind, spirit and body, one concept in particular has been undeniably life-changing. And that is this...

"Both the good in our lives and the 'dis-ease' are the results of mental thought patterns that form our experiences."

(Louise L. Hay in Heal Your Body A-Z)

This one was a full-fledged Oprah "a-ha moment" for me. And yes, you're reading it correctly. It basically says that for the most part (I believe Ms. Hay says 95% of the time in her book You Can Heal Your Life), we are responsible for the physical ailments we experience in life. And that the negative thought patterns that produce the most disease in the human body are CRITICISM, ANGER, RESENTMENT and GUILT (and probably a high dose of processed food...but I won't go there today).

Wow, right?

So as someone who has been battling endometriosis for the last few years, I was of course intrigued to see what Ms. Hay and others from the same school of thought had to say about that condition. Endometriosis is a very misunderstood "disease" because 1) no clear "medical" cause has been identified and 2) it can only 100% be diagnosed through laprascopic surgery.

This, to me, screams of emotional causes. So it was no surprise when I read this...

"The uterus is related energetically to a woman’s innermost sense of self and her inner world. It is symbolic of her dreams and the selves to which she would like to give birth. Its state of health reflects her inner emotional reality and her belief in herself at the deepest level. The health of the uterus is at risk if a woman doesn’t believe in herself or is excessively self-critical. When a woman feels that her innermost emotional needs are in direct conﬂict with what the world is demanding of her, endometriosis is one of the ways in which her body tries to draw her attention to the problem. It is our bodies trying not to let us forget our feminine nature, our need for self nurturance, and our connection with other women."

Dr. Christiane Northrup, MD in Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom

Talk about my innermost needs being in conflict with what I really wanted! When I developed endometriosis, I was absolutely denying myself what I really wanted out of life...which was balance, flow, peace, and ease. Instead I thought I needed to be doing the things the world thought I SHOULD be doing...mostly suffering in the name of a career I didn't even want. Yuck.

So! Where is the positive in all this you ask?

It's the realization that I have the control to change this! Woo hoo! Yee haw! It's MY thoughts that determine MY health.

So the Universe very appropriately put the book Anatomy of the Spirit in my life, and I am abundantly grateful. I think I sobbed through the entire chapter about the second chakra. As I read story after story about others whose second chakra issues had manifested pain in their lives as well, I thought about this brave girl and all she's gone through in the last year in the name of her ailing uterus.

But more importantly even amidst the tears and the reflection, I learned. I absorbed. I began to understand that if I truly believe that the Universe is perfect, then I can be thankful for this endometriosis. I can be thankful for this incredible gift the Universe gave me to let me know that I could stand to make a change or two in my life.

And with this new perspective, that's exactly the path I'm on....making changes in my thoughts and habits that BUILD my health instead of DETERIORATE it. I'm nurturing the seat of my creativity. I'm affirming my power as a creator. And I'm encouraging myself through this journey of reassessing my relationship with the concepts of career, money, the world.

And most of all, I'm allowing myself to be OPEN.

So when I read in Anatomy of the Spirit about a woman with ovarian cysts who used gardening to symbolically heal herself, that's exactly what I was...OPEN. In the book, Caroline Myss instructed the woman in one of their sessions to come up with one small task that she could use to represent her intention to rebuild her life.

She chose planting flowers and with each flower she planted, she said "I am planting a new beginning for myself and my children." And as she weeded her garden, she said "I am pulling the cyst out of my body." (Her cyst dissolved by the way!)

This exercise really resonated with me, especially because growing something is so intimately tied with the female reproductive system in my mind, and so I shared the story and the idea with Brian. He was super supportive, and we talked at length about all the different things I could plant...but I never really acted on it beyond that conversation. That is, until we were at the Farmer's Market about a week and a half ago.

There was a woman there promoting her "edible landscaping" services (www.subsisttoresist.com) and she was showing people how easy it is to plant sustainable food-based gardens by providing chard seeds and potting soil for market-goers to plant. With a loving touch, Brian nudged me toward the booth and asked if maybe this was the right time to finally begin my exercise in symbolic healing.

The woman was of course so lovely, so patient, and so kind. And as she walked me through each step, I literally felt like a child...in that tender, innocent, joyful way. Suddenly all the hard edges of the career-woman-of-Kayla's-past melted away, and I was this excited, squishy ball of love and hope. As I gingerly covered each seed with soil, I said loving affirmations to myself.

I am healthy.

I am creative.

I spread love.

My second chakra is alive, well, and flowing.

I must have said a hundred different little things to myself in that moment, and I was overcome with a flood of positive emotions. Brian and my friend Tina chuckled at me as I carefully guarded my sweet little baby chard for the rest of the time we were at the market and all the way home.

Each day since then, I have greeted my baby chard each morning with a smile and an encouraging word. I have watered it, cheered it on, and provided it lots of warm, healing sunshine.

There has admittedly been a part of me that has doubted. Can I really grow something? Can I foster life? The hard-edged survivor of Kayla's past reared her dissenting head from time-to-time to mock my exercise. But I kindly asked her to shut up, sit back, and watch the effortless wonder of God's green earth.

And guess what?

It sprouted! After about a week or so of love and attention, I awoke one gorgeous morning, pulled back the curtains and literally cried tears of joy. I leaped around condo-mini, called Brian at work to report the news and laughed at myself the whole time. My sweet little baby chard was growing!

I don't know if I can adequately express the amount of SELF-love I felt in that moment and the deep gratitude I felt for this precious little plant. All these years of underestimating myself...beating myself down...criticizing myself...forcing myself into jobs and roles in life that were at complete odds with my emotional needs. It was all perfectly, poignantly, poetically erased when that baby chard showed its springy little stalks.

I can't be sure how long it will take for the endometriosis to completely clear. I know the tally sheet is a lot fuller on the number of years of negative self-talk than positive.

But I do know that I'm making progress. I know that I have fully shifted the responsibility on myself for creating the kind of positive life I want and deserve. And that I no longer feel this 'poor me' victim mentality about my condition.

I love that I've endured endometriosis. I love how close it's brought me with others going through similar situations. I love that it has empowered me to see the impact of my thoughts on my health. And I love that it's allowed me to finally embrace and celebrate my softer side.

I can't wait to grow this cute baby chard into a full-grown, life-giving plant. And I can't wait to nourish my healthy body with its colorful leaves!

Enough

2011-11-01T10:25:00.000-05:00

I just read my blog post from yesterday and it literally brought tears to my eyes. It's so funny (well, maybe sad) how hard I have been on myself in this life. It's definitely a trait I'm working on leaving in 2011 as the calendar changes to a new year in a few short weeks.

As I re-read my public self-dialogue about allowing myself to be where I'm at, I couldn't help but feel compassion...love for this woman trying to encourage herself and somehow help others along the way.

I wrote that blog yesterday in the midst of self-doubt...in the middle of a day filled with questions and angst. And today I read it and just see the most inwardly beautiful, brave girl in those words. That's the view of me I want to hang onto. That's the "adjustment" I want to make in the way I view things...namely me.

Journey mentality to me means that today is enough. If I'm living joyfully today, spending my time doing uplifting things, and generally spreading love, then today wins. I don't have to "accomplish" anything. I don't have to "get" anywhere. I don't have to "achieve." I just get to be me....loving, funny, brave, healthy, happy, joyful, giving, authentic and fun.

Tears flow down my cheeks as the gravity of this really sinks in. I've been saying over and over again for weeks now "I approve of myself"...."I am enough"....and I think this is the moment of realization that I'm finally starting to feel that way. And it literally shakes me to my core.

I know to some extent these are tears of celebration, but I feel so deeply sad at the same moment. I mourn for that girl of the last 30 years who has felt that just waking up in the morning with her wild curly hair and her bright blue eyes wasn't enough. I feel so deeply the ache of her heart wanting to be loved, accepted, appreciated, validated. I want to take her in my arms and rock her gently...whispering of her mighty worth.

The vision I would like to have for my life?

Peace. Joy. Love. Worthiness. Happiness. Abundance. Hope. Creativity. Authenticity. Fun.

I want to wake up every morning and say "I'm enough" and I want to believe it wholeheartedly.

Because it's true.

And the me whose inspired fingers dance across the keyboard in the zen of writing knows that it's true.

The me who does crazy dances around condo-mini after a great coaching call with a client knows it's true.

The me who gets lost in the beauty of her beautiful sprouting baby chard knows it's absolutely, 100% true.

And I adore and trust all of those versions of me.

So it must be true.

Strolling Down Life's Path

2011-10-31T14:34:00.003-05:00

Be where you're at. Be who you are. Be enough just as you are today.

These are things I say to myself a lot. Things I openly use to encourage my friends and coaching clients. Things I try to embody everyday.

And what I'm realizing is that sometimes it's a lot easier to sparkle with the shine of "where you're at" on the days when "where you're at" looks pretty great.

But on the days when "where you're at" maybe involves a wee bit of fear...mixed in with some tears...and a dose of self-doubt...suddenly it feels a little less exciting to be there.

But guess what?

These are the days, I'm finding, when it is more important than ever to love yourself through the gunk...through the funkiness...through the fog.

Because if you really believe that the Universe is perfect (which I do), then it means that this perfect confusing moment is here to teach me something...here to guide me down my path...here to equip me to better help those whose journey one day takes them around this same turn.

Journey mentality has been a shift for me this year. As much as I always thought I understood the concept that life is about the process...about the path....I still held this crazy belief that I was getting somewhere. That I was ultimately arriving at the bright shining light at the end of the road, and that I would spend the rest of my human life just partying and whooping it up in the light. For me I equated that light to things like "great job," "great marriage," "great body," "great house."

Great....but.....Not. True.

For me life these days is 100% journey and 0% destination. Sometimes I'm putting one foot in front of the other with a skip and a whistle. Other days I'm quite literally dragging my feet. But no matter what, it's one foot in front of the other...forward motion...progress.

Another step. Another moment lived.

And the cool beauty of it all is that I'm realizing the power inherent in choice. I get to choose. Do I celebrate that step? Do I appreciate that moment? Or do I belittle my progress and bemoan my slow speed on the tough days?

I'm choosing to celebrate today. My strides may not be as long and as peppy as they've been on other days. But this is where I'm at today. And I'm going to lace up my comfy shoes, bundle myself in a big soft blanket, sip on something warm, and take the kind of steps that feel right today.

Achievement-oriented Kayla always felt the need to run. Love-oriented Kayla feels the need to walk at her soul's pace. And today that's a quiet, confident stroll.

Making Room

2011-10-18T14:57:00.000-05:00

Clarity is such a gift. Don't you always appreciate it when someone is really clear with you? Whether it be with directions, what they expect from you, what the plans are... It's nice to have clearness of thought, desire and action.

Now imagine having that same clarity with YOURSELF. About what you want out of life...the kind of person you want to be...the people you want to surround yourself with.

It gives me chills of excitement just thinking about it!

Well, luckily clarity is one of those beautiful things that manifests when you're in your zen...when you're in the flow of your authentic self.

And the clarity in my heart and soul has been whispering quite distinctly...

"Simplify"

Simplify my thinking. Simplify my intention. Simplify my life.

Get clear, get specific and get going.

In support of this loving voice nudging me along, I have allowed myself to be open for the Universe to show me opportunities for embodying this message. And it of course came from a very poignant story in The Secret.

Paraphrased, the book outlines the story of a single woman who was ready for a man in her life. She meditated on having a man, visualized herself in a happy, healthy relationship, talked with friends about her desire for partnership, but the Universe wasn't delivering.

Then one day as she drove home, she had an aha moment as she parked her car in the garage. She was parking in the MIDDLE of the garage. She was sleeping in the MIDDLE of her bed. She had a closet STUFFED full of clothes. Sure she was saying she was ready for a relationship, but her actions were telling a completely conflicting story.

So as you can probably guess, she started parking on one side of the garage, sleeping on "her" side of the bed, and she even cleaned out her closet to make room for someone else. And lo and behold, guess what happened?

Yep. You guessed it. The man. Arrived.

So this really got me thinking about the areas of my life where I could be more CLEAR with the Universe. Where am I sending mixed signals that may be confusing the issue? Where could I make room in my life for what I really want?

My storage unit!

It hit me clear as day. Here I am saying out loud to friends how much I love our simple life in condo-mini, how much I really don't even miss our stuff that much, and yet at the same time I'm petitioning the Universe for stability, for a place to call home, for a weekend cuddle session with Brian on OUR couch.

Confusing? Um, yes.

So how could I help this situation?

Since our stuff has basically been abandoned in the storage unit for the last 15 months, I felt like maybe I needed to pay it a visit. I wanted to figure out how could I send the message to the Universe that I am flexible and okay living the much simpler temporary life in condo-mini, while still sending a very clear message that my intention is definitely to create a more permanent (but still simple) life centered around OUR stuff.

My clothes.

I know. How did we get from wanting to sit on my own couch to my wardrobe?

Well, I have had this nudge for a while now to pretty much clear out the "wardrobe of Kayla's past." I have lived for over a year now on the same tiny rotating set of seasonal clothes, and it feels GREAT. Yet, I was still fearfully (key word "FEAR", people) holding onto all these clothes of former Kayla "just in case."

How rude, right?! Just in case? Just in case!

Just in case, what? Just in case I don't actually trust the Universe to guide me exactly where I'm supposed to be? Ouch.

So there it was clear as day. My little offering...vibrational rockets of desire launched into the Universe.

I COULD make room in my life for the Universe to act by simplifying my wardrobe. At the same time, I'm moving things around...lovingly touching the things we'd like to make room for in our life to come...sending energy into the storage unit thereby giving our stuff a little love nudge that we still remember it's there. And at the same time I make a big loud proclamation to the Universe that I trust this path I'm on, and I know I won't be needing any of those "office clothes" in this direction.

Simplify.

Trust.

Move forward.

So that's exactly what I did. And wouldn't you know I had the tools right there in my back pocket already?

My good friend Donna is a phenomenal personal wardrobe stylist here in Austin, and we've been collaborating harmoniously and joyously as we launch our practices alongside one another. Me with the coaching...her with the styling. She's a closet organization guru, so I figured who better to help?

We donned our comfies, rolled back the storage door, and one-by-one drug out each box, each tote, each bag of clothes in beautiful, cleansing, symbolic liberation.

And with her expert help and guidance and my clarity and trust in this great Universe, I venture to say I probably got rid of about 80% of my wardrobe.

Old dresses that had been worn week after week to a miserable job were tossed joyfully in the "donate" pile. Business suits whose very fibers seemed to suck the life right out of me were set aside for the women's shelter. Jeans, tops, shorts, dresses, skirts...you name it...effortlessly, lovingly, gratefully they were stacked, sorted and sacked.

Out of my life. Out of my storage unit. Out of my mind.

I loudly lovingly told the Universe...

I trust you!!

I can't wait for what comes next!!

I LOVE that you always provide exactly what I need!!

I can't possibly do justice to the excitement...the ELATION I felt rolling that stuff away on that little cart. I am mindfully, clearly and lovingly making room for what I in this life, and joyfully trusting the Universe to bring it. And it feels great.

A Musical Moment: Fear Fades to Love

2011-10-07T13:59:00.000-05:00

Have you ever thought about all the things you're afraid of and you tell yourself you CAN'T do or could NEVER try? Why do we do this to ourselves, right?

Well, one of those things for me was playing the guitar. I absolutely adore the acoustic guitar and most any song that includes someone strumming soulfully while singing from the heart. But I've always told myself that I could never play. I'm not even sure why or when or how I came up with this ridiculous assertion, but I know it has something to do with people telling me along the way that I'm not musical and I can't really sing.

So what? Last I checked Britney Spears isn't exactly belting out tunes like Whitney Houston and yet she feels confident enough to get out there and jiggle and gyrate to the sound of her own voice. Much love to Britney by the way.

So as part of my soulful return to authentic, adorable, awesome Kayla, I decided a little over 6 weeks ago that I could play the guitar if I wanted to damnit! You'll remember my giddy Craigslist trek to purchase it here.

I wanted to do something for me...about me...with me, yet still share that with Brian. So I decided that while I was indulging my right brain with the joyful noises coming from my guitar, I'd learn a song for Brian's birthday. With the clock ticking down each week, the pressure was on....

And by God I did it!!!

But here's the really crazy part... Along the way a friend suggested that I share my song on Facebook.

Uh, no thank you.

I'll let my man hear me. Okay, and my friend Tina who was helping me learn each week. But the big, bad world of the internet? That didn't sound like a very loving way to be tender with myself.

But just as I was neck-deep in full resist-mode, I had one of those shining a-ha moments. If I'm scared of something, it's probably a pretty good indication that there's a neon-lighted opportunity to grow waiting right there on the other side of that fear.

So I did it. With an open (yet timid) heart, I posted the video with this message at about 7pm last night:

"My apologies to The Pogues... This was one of my birthday presents for Brian's 30th. Keep in mind I first picked up a guitar 6 weeks ago, okay? Be kind.... ;)"

And I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love... With 35 comments and counting, I received the biggest blessing the Universe could have possibly given me...all the encouragement, support, cheers, kudos and love I guess I missed somewhere along the way to get to the decision that I COULDN'T sing...I COULDN'T play the guitar...I'm NOT musical.

I don't doubt that it was there in my life, but I was obviously choosing to hear the negative. I was choosing the fear. So I was choosing to limit myself.

Tears well in my heart yet again as I type this. If I had given in to the fear...if I had taken the easy road and not put it out there...I wouldn't have received this amazing gift of love.

My mentor Allison has a blog called "this magic life" and that's exactly what I'm feeling today....unbridled LOVE for this magic life.

And for this brave girl...

Kayla's Book Club!

2011-10-05T20:49:00.001-05:00

I have always loved to read. I can remember staying up all night as a kid and reading the latest Christopher Pike book cover to cover. Good ol' young adult fiction.

And who didn't love the Book-It program? I think I earned enough Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizzas to last a year...

So it comes as no surprise that this is what my nightstand currently looks like...

Yes, that's a bag of books UNDER as well. And yes, I AM currently reading all the ones on top of the table. Brian said he's not going to let me buy another book until he reinforces the legs and maybe puts some crossbars under there. He's so not funny sometimes.

I still love and cherish my sweet little Kindy, but I just love the physical book when I'm reading really meaty spiritual stuff. The Kindle holds all the fun fiction just fine, but I have visions of adorning the walls in my one-day office with bookshelves packed full of all these great life-changing books...like a scrapbook of my journey.

So in the spirit of sharing and in the joy of reading, I thought I'd list a few of my faves of late...

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

I'm sure you could guess this one since I can't seem to get through an entire blog post without quoting this book. What can I say? I ADORE this book. I'm reading it at a snail's pace, which is so unlike me, but it's just because I can't get two sentences along without having a major a-ha moment and needing to scribble feverishly in my journal.

It is all about the Law of Attraction and how YOU create your life with your thoughts. Chapter by chapter it addresses each area of your life...money, relationships, health, the world.... If you shift your thinking, you shift your life. Simple. Straightforward. Powerful.

Fave quote today:

"Unless you fill yourself up first, you have nothing to give anybody. ... When you are feeling joy you don't even have to think about giving. It is a natural overflow."

Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss

Yet another book that I can't seem to put down but also can't seem to finish. I find myself reading and re-reading the same passages over and over, tears streaming down my face and little weights sliding off my shoulders with a joyful clatter.

Caroline is a medical intuitive and diagnoses people's physical ailments based on their energy field. She wrote this book to empower and teach others how to do the same for themselves. I have had many second chakra health issues for years now, and it is knock-you-on-your-feet crazy reading about the many spiritual/emotional dilemmas that result in such illnesses. This book has completely changed my attitude on health and healing.

Fave quote today:

"By choosing to believe something, we breathe our breath into that belief, giving that belief authority."

Is that belief working for you or against you?

A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

This is one of those "rock your world" books that I'm actually in the process of reading again. I literally closed the book on the last page, took a long deep breath, and opened up to page one again. It's that impactful...that heavy...yet that simple.

Are you living out of fear or out of love? Are you living in your ego or in your spirit?

Marianne studied A Course in Miracles (ACIM), a well-known spiritual text penned in the late 70s, and was inspired to write this book based on her impressions and experiences of the Course. After finishing this book the first time, I immediately ran out and purchased ACIM...and then I realized why she had thankfully written A Return to Love. While I adore ACIM and am glad to have it in my giant bag of books, it's super long and super dense....Bible-esque if you will. So thank you Marianne for doing all that heavy lifting for us and giving us this phenomenal Cliff Note version chock full of real-life application!

Fave quote today:

"The purpose of our lives is to give birth to the best which is within us."

I could of course list about 10 more, but I'll save that for another time! Let me know if you've read any of these....if you're planning on reading any.....and what you think. Make we could start our own virtual book club!!

xoxo
Kayla

Of Course I Am!

2011-09-29T10:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I was just laughing at myself about something really funny, and I thought "I'll start my blog that way..." And then I giggled my way to the kitchen, chuckled while I rinsed out my yogurt bowl, and smiled as I plopped on the bed to log onto my blog. And then...

I freaking forgot what was so funny! I'm not even kidding.

I know it had something to do with how horrible I am at getting expressions right (or understanding them for that matter), and I'm guessing maybe I was thinking of a saying and had an a-ha moment about what it means that cracked me up, but that's where the sunlight ends and the fog begins.

On a side note, this does remind me of the time when I finally realized what putting something on the "back burner" actually means. I'm really quite astute at figurative meanings...so I've always known that putting something on the back burner as an expression meant not focusing on it but keeping it in the back of your mind. I did not, however, realize any correlation to cooking. Yep.

So one day I'm cooking something (it was probably spaghetti...which was one of the ONLY meals in my repertoire when I first got married), and I needed to set aside what I was working on to simmer while I gave my attention to a different dish. For the story's sake, let's say I was browning the meat but wanted to set it aside to still warm but perhaps start boiling the noodles. I don't know! Just go with me here...

So anyways, I started rearranging the pans on the stove, and it was like a light bulb went off above my head (yep...another expression) and I said, "Ohhhhhhhh, baaaaaack buuuuuuurner." I'm fairly certain I called my older sister right away to inform her of this very illuminating moment. I just assumed that everyone else in life hadn't yet unfolded the mysterious origin of the elusive back burner allegory.

Needless to say, I have not escaped ridicule on that one to this day. And don't even get me started on the "snow ball effect." Book smart....of course. Other smart...sometimes a tiny, wee bit lacking.

How any of that has to do with what I really wanted to talk about today, I have no clue! But it's funny nonetheless. And I've always appreciated people who could laugh along at their own expense.

Onto the matter at hand! (Now that we've all had a nice laugh at my expense.)

As part of my internship in coaching, I'm working with Allison Crow to build my practice but am also working with her as a client. Coaches needs coaches too! And part of her process involves journaling daily...which I love. I have always journaled, and I have an entire box of diaries dating back from 1988 (when my main issues were my sister hogging my toys and my mom being "mean" for not letting a friend come over).

Today's prompt was the "Wouldn't it be nice if...." exercise by Abraham-Hicks which runs in the same vein as my beloved Law of Attraction. Basically, if you can get out of your negative nelly rut, and visualize for just a moment something a little more positive, you can actually attract that positivity into your life.

Among a list of umpteen little positive suggestions, I ended with this...

"Would it be nice if I believed all the nice things people say about me."

Wow, right? I re-read it after it flowed effortlessly off my finger tips and had one of those sad sweet moments when I thought, "oh, sweetie."

Tenderness. Grace. Patience.

These are things I have been asking for and affirming in my journey of late, and I felt each of those words to the very core of my heart when I read that line.

"Would it be nice if I believed all the nice things people say about me."

I have a really hard time taking compliments. I usually say thank you, blush, and change the subject. I am famously my own worst critic, and have realized that I have a hard-nosed bitch of an alter ego that doesn't like to extend the tenderness, grace and patience that I deserve. Obviously there is something very raw and very real there that could stand to be addressed.

So what if instead of feeling uncomfortable about the nice things people say about me, I silently said to myself....OF COURSE I AM!

"Kayla, you are so inspirational."

OF COURSE I AM!

"Kayla, you are such a great friend."

OF COURSE I AM!

"Kayla, you are an amazingly beautiful, caring, sexy, fabulous wife."

OF COURSE I AM!

"Kayla, you are such a skilled coach."

OF COURSE I AM!

So this is going to be my experiment, my mantra.

Brian always calls things "experiments." I love it and have adopted it in my life. It kind of takes the pressure off and allows you to just play with something for a little while. No frustration with yourself if you slip up and no hard feelings if something doesn't work out. It's just an experiment...a trial. If you like how it goes, keep it around a little longer. If you don't, scrap it and experiment with something else.

So here it goes!

Wouldn't it be nice if this little experiment works?

And wouldn't it be nice if I remembered whatever in the heck it was I started to say at the beginning of this blog post... ;)

Wishing you a day filled with tenderness, patience, grace and PLENTY of opportunities to say...

OF COURSE I AM!

....I haven't been able to get this song out of my head all morning! Enjoy!

Where I'm At...

2011-09-26T18:02:00.001-05:00

Okay, so here goes confession moment....I LOVED Eddie Murphy Raw in college. Like love, love, LOVED it. My best girlfriend Sarah and I used to watch it relentlessly...quoting every line...laughing hysterically...and rewinding (yes, VHS) whenever necessary.

Pity on the poor guy I met studying abroad in Spain my junior year of college named Eddie because he was of course victim to this tireless quote-fest anytime I consumed the slightest bit of alcohol.

"Eddieeeeee... You treat me like animal, Eddiieee. I'm American woman now Eddieeee."

(So said African Umfufu and drunk Spain Kayla.)

You get the picture.

What's funny is that I never would have guessed in a million years that a vulgar stand-up routine would offer the script to what is now one of my favorite lines in life...

"I'm going to BE where I'm AT!"

Of course Umfufu was just asserting her new-found American independence as a woman and talking more about her physical location than her spiritual residence.... But it speaks to me nonetheless.

My older sister and I have pined for years about "just being" in life. Just being ourselves. Just being happy. Just being in the moment. Just plain being. And as much as I've always felt the elusiveness of that concept, I'm finally realizing what it means to just be....and especially to just be where you're at.

I crossed paths with a woman today who is deeply grieving a loss of a family member right now. In her haste to keep up with the pace of the world, she was pushing herself to "get back in the game" with work and to hurry through very real emotions. Couldn't we all offer ourselves just a little more tenderness and grace to be where we're at...to writhe in the thick of it....to acknowledge the space around us...and to allow ourselves to quietly, lovingly reside in the truth of our existence in each moment?

This nudge came up yet again in another conversation today. A close girlfriend is getting over a horrific break-up and was openly bullying herself to stop thinking about this guy...berating herself over and over again. I was reminded of Umfufu and her powerful assertion....I'm going to be where I'm at...and I was compelled to ask this friend if she could extend that same grace to herself. An a-ha moment...

What would happen if we all allowed ourselves to be where we're at? If we lovingly, tenderly, graciously and patiently waited with ourselves as we walked each step of this journey...

It isn't about stagnating. It isn't about staying in one spot forever. But it's instead about honoring the moment, finding peace even among discomfort, and when ready, taking the next step forward.

I love that.

And I still admit that I love good ol' Eddie and all the laughter shared between friends in that moment in time.

Where are you at today? Are you allowing yourself to just be where's you're at?

I'm sending myself a friendly reminder that this life is a journey....that healing is all about practice....and that everything will be okay!

Give to Receive

2011-09-22T14:56:00.002-05:00

If I haven't mentioned it before (surely I have...), I LOVE nudges from the Universe... those sublime, perfect moments when you have to smile, give a nod to the sky and say THANK YOU for showing me the way.

That was me today.

I'm still reading The Secret...taking my time, chewing on the quotes, journaling when I feel the urge. And it was no coincidence that several events collided into the "perfect storm" for me with today's chapter...MONEY.

It's a pretty meaty subject for most people. What did we grow up hearing about money as a child? How does that effect the way we see it as adults? Do you curse the electricity company, grumble under your breath, and get all riled up as you pay for the services you used? Or do you welcome the bill, say "thanks for trusting me to pay," and send off the check with a stamp and a kiss?

I can probably guess which one it is. No judgement here people...I'm on this journey too!

Everything I'm reading (and feeling) is nudging me towards the latter option... And if we choose that option...bare with me...what COULD our lives look like then?

One of the keys to abundance is FLOW...meaning money flows both in and out of our lives. And understanding that concept means you get that the outward flow makes more room now for the inward flow.

It's like cleaning out your closet! Once you chunk a few things, even if you were a little emotionally attached to them, it means there's space on the rack for something new!! And don't we all love something new?!

So back to my story about today...and the money thing...

Brian and I extended our short-term lease on condo-mini for another term, and today I was meeting with our landlord to hand over the cold hard cash. Would it have been easy to get a little bumfuzzled about this? Of course! Did it cross my mind for a minute or two? Um, yeah.

But something beautiful happened. In the process of signing the new agreement and handing over the cash, I started chatting up Mr. Landlord (I know... me? chatty?) Turns out he's in construction. And in the midst of a few other "peeling" questions, it also turns out he's not making as much right now as he's used to.

Light bulb moment!

I immediately felt warm thinking how awesome it was that we fell into his life at just this moment. He doesn't usually rent our place out long-term...more of a weekend rental, and I can only imagine that our odd request...coupled with the extension of time frame...must have meant a little more financial security for him during a rough patch. It honestly made it so much easier to hand over all those 100s.

So here I am on a feel-good high about paying for something I rightfully owed him for (haha...) and I stumble across another reminder about the scholarship drive for Brian's cousin who passed away earlier this year.

And it hit me.

Yes, flow is about paying the people who you owe...whose goods and services you used...and feeling GOOD about it. But flow is also about GIVING JUST TO GIVE. Doesn't seem like it would be such a stretch for a former scholarship fundraiser, but it took me aback.

Here we had been in this mindset of scarcity all these months...closely guarding what was "ours"....but where was the giving? Where was the room for abundance to flow into our lives?

Needless to say I made a gift, shed a tear of gratitude that I'm alive and able to make that gift, and then said a little thank you to Colton and the Universe.

I love the opportunity to grow and I'm so abundantly appreciative that it seems to be happening to me so much lately. It's amazing what happens in your life when you make room...

Wishing you abundance and flow!

Click here to remember Colton.

The View from the Trail

2011-09-21T14:08:00.000-05:00

Living on Town Lake (aka Lady Bird Lake) truly makes my heart sing everyday. I am a water person...whether it be ocean, lake, river or pool...and living on the water is something I can joyfully mark off the list of 'someday' and add to 'today.'

So one of the many highlights of my week in this best life that I'm living is always the many miles I log on the Town Lake Hike and Bike Trail. I rotate between a 3-mile and a 6-mile trek, and today I took the long route and decided to take it nice and slow...to breathe in this city that I love so much...and share a few sights along the way.

So enjoy a little piece of my zen...the place where I move this wonderful body of mine...the dusty trails where so many of my light bulb moments occur...

First Street Bridge

A little reminder of Gaudi right here in Austin

Looking west towards the Plfuger bridge

The Town Lake Monster!

One of my favorite friends on the cow parade

Love, love, love <3

I love watching the rowers slice through the water up and down the river. Brian, however, doesn't quite care for the coaches yelling over loud speaker...messes up the serenity of the moment for him. ; )

Agua just when you need it...

Keeping Austin clean!

View from the Mopac bridge...it never, ever gets old.


Mopac bridge heading towards Zilker

Remnants of this past weekend's ACL music festival still dot the park...

Are you a Kanye or a Stevie? I was a Coldplay and Stevie but I would have loved to see Kanye too!

The inlet to Barton Springs is one of my favorite spots on the trail...

I HEART Austin! <3

Crossing under the Lamar bridge

Even though I'm not a huge dog person, I love passing through the dog park. There are usually TONS of happy, wet puppies splashing around where that fisherman is.

And a huge thank you to all the people who acknowledge this very non-discreet sign!

The Hyatt hotel and these water bikes mean all I have left on my trek is to pass under the Congress bridge among the chirping of bats and the smell of guano...and then home!

Believing in the Impossible

2011-09-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

"I can't believe that!" said Alice.

"Can't you?" the queen said in a pitying tone. "Try again, draw a long breath, and shut your eyes."

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

- Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll

Imagine that!

2011-09-19T23:55:00.002-05:00

I just can't get enough of The Secret. I loved it almost six years ago when I first saw the movie, and I'm devouring the book now. The Law of Attraction is so simple, so doable, and so dadgum fruitful that it makes me wonder why we all willingly write such painful scripts for our lives.

Just to recap, the Law of Attraction is this...like attracts like. You manifest in your life what you think about, what you visualize, what you tell yourself...whether bad or good...abundant or scarce...joyful or bleak. But who would be purposely attracting bad, scarce, bleakness, right?

Well, me, it turns out.

And in my pages tonight, I read this from the ever-famous, ever-smart Mr. Albert Einstein and was stopped dead in my tracks. He said,

"Imagination is everything.

It is the preview of life's coming attractions."

Sounds simple enough, but it struck a pretty big chord with me. And as soon as I read that, I turned lovingly to myself and immediately thought about the constant internal beating I've given myself over the years...especially when it came to imagination.

"You're NOT creative."

"You have NO imagination."

"You'll NEVER be successful in a creative career."

How's that for a preview of my life's coming attractions? Can you guess what I'd been manifesting all those years? I can tell you that I wasn't waking up everyday with creative, imaginative juices flowing as I bounded out of bed to my creative career.

No, I was waking up feeling crummy, doing a job I did not even remotely love and finding my creativity in which bottle of red wine I would spontaneously choose in the beer and wine aisle at the grocery store. Talk about imagination.

I didn't dream of what came next; I only dreaded the next day. I didn't visualize what it would feel like fulfilling my life's purpose; I only cried about the large hole I had named "lack of purpose." And I certainly didn't imagine feeling this free, this fulfilled, this excited; I was too busy succumbing to shackles, emptiness, melancholy.

And that's what I got...a feeling of unimaginative hopelessness because that's what I kept focusing on day in and day out.

But how CRAZY, AWESOME, FABULOUSLY FREEING is it to realize what you can imagine will be scripted, cast, filmed and premiered as "The Exciting Life of ________" in the tomorrows to come.

It obviously makes me excited. And I appreciate ol' Al tonight for giving me perspective on my creativity...my imagination...the very exciting attractions still unfolding every day for me.

I AM creative. I DO have imagination. I WILL BE successful in my creative career. And you know why?

Because I already feel that way today.

And so I am!

Imagine that.

How?

2011-09-18T14:39:00.000-05:00

We are still in the midst of a fun, fabulous ACL weekend here in the gorgeous Austin, Texas...and here's the proof positive... Just look at those smiling faces.

And amidst the music, the creativity, the love and the fun, I can't help but reflect on this great life. I stole a few minutes before we return to the festival today to read a few pages in The Secret and of course was delivered the most beautiful quotes to carry me through the day.

In an effort to live my best life, I've admittedly gotten hung up on the "hows." How do you forgive that certain person? How do you achieve the kind of career success you want? How do you let go of the past?

And then this morning I read this....

"Our job is not to figure out the how. The how will show up out of a commitment and belief in the what."

- Jack Canfield

"The 'hows' are the domain of the Universe. It always knows the shortest, quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream."

- Mike Dooley

"If you turn it over to the Universe, you will be surprised and dazzled by what is delivered to you. This is where magic and miracles happen."

- Dr. Joe Vitale

I love it! Basically, we just have to set our sights on what we want...forgiveness, success, love, presence in the NOW...and that's it!

That's it!

How wonderfully reassuring is that?

Well, I'm off to another great day of enjoying the beautiful quirkiness of this city. To just be. ME!

ACL = Austin City LOVE!

2011-09-17T11:31:00.000-05:00

Day One is under our belts and it was a day full of awesome!!

Our first big adventure....the bike ride!

Safely parked between rows K & L....I didn't want to forget!

Love running into friends. We already saw so many this first day...Brett, Sarah D, Jill, Stephanie, Tracy, Matty....the list goes on. And of course we got a sequel to last year's "I'm TRACY!" routine. Thank you Tracy.

Our crew. :) Just like our Spain days.

Our 2nd ACL Coldplay experience...Chris Martin is so freaking HOT...

YELLOW!

I heart Austin.

Our final band roster for Day One...Ray LaMontagne, Foster the People (who totally ROCKED it), Big Boi (Brian), Gary Clark Jr. and Coldplay.

The band I'm most excited about today is Iron and Wine!!! Yay for Day Two!

The Kid in Me

2011-09-15T16:33:00.001-05:00

You know what I'm realizing is one of the things I absolutely LOVE about kids? They are born with a natural "can't" repellant.

"You can't fly!"

"WATCH ME!" they say as they run around the backyard with a cape flapping in the air of their confidence behind them.

"You can't sing!"

They look at you sideways and belt out their favorite tune...completely unaware that anyone would stifle their voice because of what they think about its sound.

When do we lose that? When do we lose that inexhaustible energy for proving the world WRONG when it tells us we can't?

I went toe to toe with a real bitch named Gretchen this week. She's been inside my head my whole life telling me I can't do this, and I can't do that. "You're not creative," she says. "Nobody cares what you have to say." "You CAN'T do what you love and make money doing it."

And after letting her run the show for far too long, I decided to ask someone else what they thought. I turned to that sweet can't-resistant 3-year-old inner-Kayla and asked how she feels about Gretchen.

And you know what she told me?

She said, "Let's take our toys and go play with someone nice for a change!"

So I hopped on my new red bike, started singing at the top of my lungs and flew off on my merry way.

One Step at a Time

2011-09-14T09:07:00.002-05:00

I'm in the midst of re-reading The Secret. It's a phenomenal book that is riddled with quotable lines, implementable exercises and thought-provoking questions. And for those of you who are like me and already have a stack of books a mile high on your nightstand, it was first actually a movie....and a pretty amaaaaazing one at that (yes, that was my King Julian voice).

Maybe it's me just resonating with this one particular quote or maybe it's the Universe delivering to me exactly what so many have needed, but this one passage has come up in THREE of my conversations in the last two days. And since I'm a sucker for THREES, I figured I'd better act on this little love nudge from the Universe and share.

"Think of a car driving through the night. The headlights only go a hundred to two hundred feet forward, and you can make it all the way from California to New York driving through the dark, because all you have to see is the next two hundred feet. And that's how life tends to unfold before us. If we just trust that the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, and the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, your life will keep unfolding. And it will eventually get you to the destination of whatever it is you truly want, because you want it."

-Jack Canfield, The Secret

I know I have the tendency to get bogged down in the details of life. I envision whatever it is I want...let's say a successful, love-filled, joy-filled coaching practice, and then instead of lovingly releasing that into the Universe and TRUSTING that it will manifest, what do I do? I try to control the process!

When you trust the Universe and are clear about what you want from it, you don't have to control anything! How does that feel? Sounds awesome to me.

Sure you have to know that you're starting at California and your destination is New York, but from there all that's left to do is drive the piece of highway right in front of you and trust that the road is taking you where you want to go. Of course there will be signs along the way pointing you in the right direction...I'm not saying your car is going to magically know how to get to New York. But if you're patient and watching the road just ahead, you'll never miss a sign! In fact they'll be crystal clear and practically glowing in the dark as you pass them...like beacons guiding you through life.

I'm lovingly, compassionately reminding myself to watch for the signs just a couple hundred feet ahead of me. I'm reminding myself to stop looking for the glow of the New York skyline when I'm still just crossing the desert in Nevada. I know I'll make it to New York eventually, and in the meantime I just want to enjoy the drive!

I HEART Monday!

2011-09-12T10:52:00.003-05:00

My new mentor Allison is an admitted Monday-lover. I confess that I had slight pause when she joyously pronounced this to me when we first met. But after only two weeks of feeding my soul and changing my "stories" about what Mondays should mean, I'm officially on board too!

I mean, what's not to love? A new week full of promise and fun! Usually a return to work or routine where you get to see all your fun friends and co-workers again. My Soul-full living call today! A built in evening for girl time with Bachelor Monday.... I could go on!

And of course, just as I changed my opinions about Mondays, what should happen but I stumble across a blog post like this one on this lovely Monday morning.

I can say that I have probably not woken up with anything close to awesomeness for about the last 2000 Mondays or more (minus the vacation Mondays...those were pretty great)...and for no good reason other than that I decided Mondays are supposed to suck. What a bummer to trash a whole day without even giving it a chance!

Thanks to Allison for showing me a different story! And thanks to Melissa Wardy for her commitment to a cause near and dear to my heart...empowering girls and young women to rejoice and believe in the power of their REAL beauty! Check out her blog post I linked above as well as her girls apparel company at www.pigtailpals.com.

How are you feeling about Monday now?

This Great Creative Life

2011-09-09T14:11:00.002-05:00

I love this life. I love that the little things make me grin from ear to ear. And I love, love, love my new guitar, a little thing that feels oh-so-big to me right now.

I decided a few weeks ago...after a particularly poignant day spent sobbing over one of my favorite movies...that I'm the creator of my own life. Shocking realization right? And as the one in charge...the big cheese if you will...I can decide what kind of experience I'm going to have on this planet.

And guess what experience I picked?

A FUN, MUSICAL, MAGICAL, EXCITING, SPONTANEOUS one filled with JOY, LOVE, and lots and lots of LAUGHTER.

In that vein, I allowed myself to question...what if? What if I really did choose to live like that every day? What would I do differently? Who would I be?

Expecting some grand epiphany about my career or purpose or something equally meaty, I was shocked at what popped out of me. The tiniest little joyful whisper suddenly piped up and said, "well, you've always wanted to play the guitar."

I know! Right?

I had to giggle.... then squash back my inner critic telling me how stupid that is. And then giggle some more.

So in my effort to live in the moment, I followed my whisper, gave it a little microphone, and decided it was time I start putting some legs on the MUSICAL part of my chosen life. And it's been three weeks of pure bliss ever since!

My good friend Tina has been giving me guitar lessons once a week. (Which has actually just been an awesome excuse for girl time and wine consumption....) And I quickly realized that once a week using her guitar wasn't going to cut it. It was time to invest in my FUN, MUSICAL, MAGICAL, EXCITING, SPONTANEOUS life filled with JOY, LOVE, and lots and lots of LAUGHTER and buy my very own guitar!!

So after the requisite amount of time perusing on Craigslist and one week of back and forth about the when and where, I finally made the trip last night with my very important guitar instructor Kristina in tow. The Universe of course sent me a fabulous seller who was really nice and very generous with his time. We met in a parking lot of a big box retail complex and set to work on "the big decision" and "the big purchase."

He had two guitars and we all kind of gathered around the back of his SUV and had a little impromptu jam session trying each one out. I was giggling profusely and telling him all about my "secret song" that I'm learning for someone in particular, and turning about as red as my shirt. Something about buying that guitar and talking about me actually playing it AND singing just made me feel like a shy 8-year-old. It was awesome.

So after Tina and Tom showed me what each could do, the young grasshopper listened to her wise master and chose the Fender. Um, how stinking adorable do I look holding that thing?

I was so freaking excited the whole way home that I told Tina I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to eat dinner. I just wanted to PLAY!!! I of course managed to devour my food when we got home and still make time for my third official lesson.

And now here I am! At home! With a guitar! I feel kind of like I did in high school when I got my first cell phone...I wasn't quite sure what to do with it. Do you stick it in a drawer? Do you throw it in your purse? Same hilarious questions with the guitar...little bit bigger scale though.

I ultimately decided to prop it up next to my new bike so I could admire both my new toys at once. Tee hee! Did I mention that sometimes it's just the little things... I LOVE the little things.

And I love this FUN, MUSICAL, MAGICAL, EXCITING, SPONTANEOUS life filled with JOY, LOVE, and lots and lots of LAUGHTER.

Off to practice!

Ask Believe Receive

2011-09-08T07:00:00.000-05:00

Well, folks the Universe is quick to respond and apparently has a sense of humor.

Ever since Brian and I got back from Spain a few months ago, we've been dragging our feet a bit on buying a second vehicle. Why willingly fling yourself into another barrage of bills (car note, insurance, gas) when, in all reality, you can make it work? It just doesn't make sense.

We learned that lesson living in Barcelona by the way... While Barcelona's residents enjoy a much more sophisticated public transportation system, it wasn't lost on us that most families (think three or even FOUR generations under one roof) survive on one car and don't really even fathom that they have anything to complain about. Oh we spoiled Americans and our two-, three-, four-car families.

So when we finally made it back to our beloved Austin and we settled in the downtown area, we were even more convinced that we didn't need another car. No problem.

Except when you're the one stuck in a teeny-tiny condo all day with only your handy-dandy legs to carry you through 100+ degree heat. So in the spirit of my Spanish brethren, I have tried my damnedest not to complain and to instead ask the Universe for an alternative....

We'll get back to that one...

On another note, I have also been petitioning the Universe for quite a few other solutions to living a happier, healthier, more awesome life. That has manifested itself in a list of THIRTEEN affirmations that I say each morning when I wake up and each night before I go to sleep. (And no, I didn't realize it was 13 until I just now counted them for my post...it makes this whole thing even more fabulous and hilarious.)

The idea of an affirmation is that you say something you want in the present tense as if you already have it. The Universe is made of energy, and since like attracts like (thank you Law of Attraction), you have to put the positive vibes out there as if you already have them in order to attract them. So one of my affirmations (of the 13) has been...

"I attract abundance and wealth."

So...tonight I'm sitting on my patio sipping a glass of wine and enjoying a reprieve from the Texas heat when I see a black cat over by the pool (enter the irony with the 13 affirmations). I call for it to come over, and much to my surprise it comes!

She is spunky and playful and lets me pet her for a moment before she starts attacking the monkey grass and stalking unsuspecting crickets. (Um, she caught one of the crickets by the way. Devoured it in front of me. Licked her chops. And then proceeded to jump on my lap and fart a big stinky cloud of cricket in my face. Lol. I still love her.)

So as I'm lovingly petting this neighbor cat, I brush the bell on her collar and see that she has a tag. What could such a dark, playful cat be named?

Yep... MONEY

"I attract abundance and wealth." And cats named Money.

I laughed out loud when I saw it...smiled a toothy grin to the sky...and gave a cheers to my new friend.

Not much later I came inside and checked my email to find that my new Car2Go membership was ready for action tomorrow! This was one of my solutions to the 2nd car dilemma...basically a car share that gives you access to Smart Cars parked randomly all across town for only 35 cents a minute. Um, hello! Toodling around town in a Smart Car? Yes, please!

Just as I'm wondering if I'll have to walk the mile and a half to pick up my membership card tomorrow, Brian shows me a bike on Craigslist that he wants to go check out. He's been wanting a bike since we live on the Lady Bird Lake hike and bike trail now, and lo and behold, this one comes with a bonus. They're also selling a woman's beach cruiser for 20 bucks.

Perfect for mile and a half rides to pick up Car2Go memberships, right?

So in the spirit of good ol' Dr. Vitale, we decide to move with the speed of the Universe, head right over to the seller's house at 10pm last night, and check out the bikes.

Brian's fancy $200 bike wasn't quite what he expected, but guess what we DID end up loading in the trunk (haphazardly, that is)??

Yep! My new beach cruiser!

So THANK YOU Universe! For hearing my requests. For giving me ABUNDANCE through two very funky, Austin-inspired modes of transportation and for giving me WEALTH through a cat named Money. I'm pretty sure I've made a new friend (maybe to Brian's chagrin) and that the real wealth is to come!!


Click Photo to Enlarge (Car2Go Photo Source)

And yes Dad... that IS a racing stripe on the seat of my bike! I AM a Burns after all... we go straight to the front! Now I just need a basket....

Put Her In, Coach!

2011-09-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

Say hello to the intern! Not quite the getting-coffee-and-making-copies kind of intern, but more like the giddy-collaboration-and-exuberant-excitement intern. That's me!

If you had asked me this time last year if I would be the one with the internship, I probably would have laughed at you and asked if you had gotten me confused with my MBA husband. But I can assure you that I have never been clearer that I am indeed not my MBA husband, that I have a fabulous journey all of my very own to explore in this life, and that I'm going to have fun doing it...dadnabit!

Lacy and I have always said that the Universe is conspiring in our favor, and in the last couple weeks, I pulled back the curtains and saw stage hands sprinting feverishly behind the scenes pulling off one heck of a production for me on behalf of the big U. In a matter of just 6 days, I learned about a complete stranger from a friend, reached out to that stranger, had an engaging phone conversation with her, agreed to meet in person, and accepted my new job as intern and co-coach in her coaching practice. We're talking a Friday to a Wednesday here people. Badda bing, badda boom. When you know, you know, and by God we knew!

So what does all that mean?

Basically, I am working with Allison Crow at Crow Hill Conversations. She is a dynamic, energetic coach and talented graphic facilitator (which means she draws some pretty cool doodles).

What is a coach you ask?

A personal/professional coach helps people look at where they are today so that they can get where they want to be tomorrow. The thought patterns and beliefs we all hold create the experiences we have in our lives, and coaching is all about helping you become more aware so that you can be the you that you really want to be. Who doesn't want to feel lighter, more fulfilled, more loved and more loving?! It's the kind of work that sings to my heart!

So while supporting Allison in her many fabulous endeavors, I will be learning the ins and outs of the biz with intentions of launching my own practice come January 2012, a practice dedicated to GIVING VOICE TO YOUR WHISPER! My creative wheels are turning, and I'm working on a kickoff retreat in Costa Rica...the place where so much of my journey towards today began.

I have always been blessed with such great friends, and I've loved hearing the support and encouragement from my girlfriends this past week. "Well, you've always been my life coach!" is the refrain I've heard more than once, and it just really warms my giddy little soul. So thanks to all of you who have already been there for me as I follow my excitement in life yet again.... That should by one of my titles... Intern, Co-Coach and Professional Excitement Follower.

So as you can see, I have a lot to be excited about! Who just has a mentor fall in their lap like this? Me!

I attract abundance and love and obviously very interesting people! I am grateful for this new relationship and the ways that we are both going to help one another.

I am fulfilled. I am hopeful. I am excited (yes, I realize I keep using that word).

I am happy to be me!

"The Universe likes speed. Don't delay. Don't second guess. Don't doubt. When the opportunity is there, when the impulse is there, when the intuitive nudge from within is there, act. That's your job. And that's all you have to do."

- Dr. Joe Vitale (Metaphysician, Marketing Specialist, and Author) in The Secret

Home Grown

2011-08-23T09:21:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned how deliciously intoxicating it is being back here?

It feels GREAT to be home! There is no denying that there is something special about Austin...

Hope, Happy Birthdays, and Tiny Little Toes

2011-08-12T13:30:00.004-05:00

Today my twin nieces turn 2 years old!

I first met Lyla and Kaylin on August 19, 2009 at the Children's Hospital in Houston when they were just 7 precious days old and still fighting very hard to show how much they deserved to be in this world. I remember holding Lyla for the first time with nervous laughter as I carefully situated her 4 pound body against my quickly beating heart. I counted each one of her perfectly tiny fingers and toes and said a prayer for her sister Kaylin lying nearby in the incubator. They had been smashed on top of one another for nearly 8 months in their mommy's belly and now it seemed so unfair that they had to spend their first few days in this strange new place apart.

Today you would never know they even struggled as newborns. They are hilarious, tough little spitfires. (You have to be when you have a 3-year-old big brother constantly plowing you down for your toy.) And they are the most joyful reminder of what a gift life really is. I admire their courage and their strength, and I hope I grow up to be a little more like them one day.

Here's to you Cakes and Lyla Bug! I am so proud to be your Aunt Kayla!

August 19, 2009 - Me and Lyla

August 19, 2009 - Kaylin

December 2009 - Cutest sports fans I know!

April 2010 - Big Brother Austin's 2nd Birthday Party

April 2010

April 2010 - The night brother threw his shoe in the fountain at the Mexican food restaurant and one of you peed all over me! Lucky for you, you're twins and I can't remember who did it. :)

July 2010 - First trip to the beach!

August 2010 - First Birthday!!

September 2010 - They want to be Longhorns like their Aunt Kayla and Uncle Brian! ;)

October 2010 - First trip to Austin!! Fun at Zilker Park...

Halloween 2010 - Leave it to Aunt Kayla to make sure they had Longhorn cheerleader outfits... ;)

November 2010 - Thanksgiving and the day I learned why it benefits you to hold all your cookies in one hand while you eat them. Thanks for the lesson girls.

April 2011 - Welcoming Aunt Kayla and Uncle Brian back from Spain

April 2011 - Someone very important to me once told me "If you have no one else in this life, you will always have your sister."

August 2011 - I can't believe how big you've gotten! And I can't wait to squeeze you both soon!

I can't wait for many more firsts, decades of birthday parties and watching you two beauties grow up big enough to beat up on your brother!

lululemon love

2011-08-04T10:39:00.001-05:00

I had the fun fortune of interviewing this morning for a part-time job with lululemon athletica as an Educator at one of their stores! My love affair with the company has been rather fast and furious. I first stumbled upon them when I was preparing for my and Brian's trip to Spain at the end of last year. I was groaning to Lacy about how little I was going to be able to pack for our 5-month trip, and she was aghast when I said I was only going to be able to take one pair of yoga pants.

"Well, if you're only taking one, you have to have the best then!"

In grand Lacy big sister fashion, she instructed me to run (not walk) to my nearest lululemon and promptly purchase a pair of yoga pants. I had honestly been doing yoga up until that point in whatever I could find on the sale rack at Target or Kohl's. I know, I know. And of course I've been used to wearing Lacy's hand-me-downs my whole life, so I had a few yoga brand names speckled in from her.

The day before we left for our big trip I heeded my big sister's advice (claro!), bought a pair of Groove Pants and pretty much lived in them during our time in Barcelona. We all joked that my two "uniforms" while in Spain were my lululemon yoga pants with v-neck t-shirt and my skinny jeans with high boots and an oversized top and cropped jacket. Hey, I'm a woman who knows what she likes!

And like the kid who loves the box better than the toy on Christmas day, I was also completely fascinated with their inspiring, funky, messaged bags, and proudly toted it all throughout my European journey.

Fast-forward to today, and I'm officially in the process to possibly working for a company that believes in the power of goal-setting, elevating the world to greatness and helping people live healthier, longer, more fun lives. It would make me proud to come to work every day and talk about the things I love...yoga, living in the moment and spreading good vibes. What a cool feeling, right?

I'm completely trusting the Universe to decide if I should be a "lemon" and will feel proud either way but I'm excited to at least be taking steps toward realizing a happy, healthy Kayla in a creative career, wherever that ends up taking me!! And if I get the job all my Dallas friends will have to come by the store and say hello!! And if not, it's onto the next exciting possibility!

Oh, but I have to admit that I'd be super stoked to get to check something off my list in this year of "promise"....

"Do a job where you can wear stretchy pants to work every day."

Tee hee! :)

California Hikin'

2011-07-27T08:00:00.003-05:00

After a morning full-o-yoga on Saturday, we took advantage of the cool California temps and set out to enjoy some of God's green earth at Castle Rock State Park. Lacy and Cliff have really gotten into hiking recently, and Lace was eager to share their new love with me.

So we zoomed off from the yoga studio in the little Smart Car and met Cliff at the park. I love riding in the Smart Car. I always feel the need to giggle and beep my horn.

See that nature behind me? I'm about to be all up in that. My husband would be oh-so-proud. And yes, I'm wearing my yoga clothes still. I figured, eh, why change? Needless to say I was one of the most brightly attired people on the trail. Oh yes, and with the tightest spandex on.

Watch out Castle Rock! Here we come...

We decided on the Saratoga Gap trail. I was of course wanting to know all the details. How long is it? What are we going to see? Are there bathrooms? (Ha!)

Lacy and Cliff's answers... No clue how long it is. We'll walk until we feel like turning around. And we're going to see a lot of trees. And no, stupid, there are no bathrooms.

Okey dokey!

Guess what we saw? Lot's of cool stuff!! Like these rocks that Lacy felt I needed to climb...which I begrudgingly did. And then promptly realized how much fun climbing rocks is!

The view from the third wheel. Just kidding, I always have a blast with Lacy and Cliff. But I was wishing Brian was here. He would have LOVED this hike and I think he would have been even more amused at me doing it.

Hello heaven! Well, actually it's Monterrey Bay out there to the top left where you can see water. Felt like heaven.

Let it be noted that we are friendly, helpful hikers. We passed this group of friends hiking together and I said "Look! How cute that is with them all sunning on that rock. They should have a photo of that!" So Lacy marched up to them, asked if anyone had a camera and took their happy little photo while I took her photo taking their photo.

Lacy and I used to love blowing on dandelions as children. Every time we see one we think of each other. So of course she couldn't resist!

Hello from the trail! Lacy carried the Camel Back for the group and we'd all yell out when we needed a drink and she'd have to stop and cozy up to us so we could access the straw. Except you kind of have to bite it before you drink, so Lacy would check in every so often and say "Does anyone need to bite me?" It was both hilarious and endearing that she cared about our hydration.

This week has been all about love. Loving each other. Loving ourselves. And loving that we got this time together. All you need is love! (cue The Beatles)

On our way back, the sunbathers had left the rock, so we took our own little photo shoot.

Sisters! <3

We ended up hiking 5 miles. Hooray us! And I felt every mile of that. On top of the TWO yoga classes that morning, I had a feeling I was going to be ridiculously sore. And I was right. But it was oh-so-fun in the process!

I love sunny beautiful California! And I love it even more with Lacy and Cliff!!

She Can Fly!

2011-07-26T13:57:00.001-05:00

While I'm visiting Lacy in California this week, I've had the fun fortune of taking advantage of her fabulous yoga studio, Breathe Los Gatos. Saturday I came to work with her with intentions of only taking a Yin class, which is all about deep stretching and holding poses for a looooong time. But I kept peeking into the other studio and curiously eye-balling the gorgeous purple slings hanging from the ceiling for the flight class...

And I thought, what the hell?! When in Rome! Or California! So I jumped right in and gave it a whirl.

And unbeknownst to me, Lacy meanwhile jumped right in my purse and got my camera out. It was a classic big sister, little sister moment where she's all waving and cheering and telling me how she thinks I should be doing the poses, and I'm laughing and turning red with embarrassment. I was glad she was there though because I don't think I would have realized how cool what I was doing actually is unless I had seen the photos of me doing it!

Trying to flip myself over for suspended plow pose and not having much luck by the 5th attempt...

So I got a little nudge from the instructor Amber and.... ta da!

I was giddy with excitement by the time I was done, and I'm planning to go back tonight for another class. And I DID end up taking the Yin class right after! So it was the best of both worlds. :)

California Beachin'

2011-07-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

I am basking in the glow of my big sister for the week, and it has been such a fabulous, cleansing, rejuvenating, joyful visit so far. (Can I think of anymore uplifting adjectives?) I arrived Wednesday and have already had quite the adventurous visit. From the beach in Capitola and flying yoga at Breathe to an impromptu giggling run across the street to the movies and a hike on Castle Rock, we are definitely living in the moment.

Here are a few highlights from our beach trip yesterday....

What are big sisters for? Teaching little sisters of course. Here Lace is teaching me the art of the pina colada. I have never seen someone so giddy about a pina colada. I have to admit it was a great lesson, but I did have to take it twice to get the full gist. ;)

The weather here is UNBELIEVABLE...well, at least for a Texas gal who hasn't seen a day below 100 degrees in a while. It was probably 75 degrees and a wee bit chilly when the sun went behind the clouds. It reminds me of so many sunny days spent on the Barcelona beach in the cool Spanish breeze with Brian.

Zelda's (pictured above) is where we enjoyed our seaside libations and nibbles. There were a handful of kids playing just on the beach next to our table who had an absolute adoration for a dog named Caleb. Needless to say I thought 8-year-olds were calling my name all afternoon. But at least it was all "you're so sweet" and "oh, yes, good job Caleb" and whatnot. I felt encouraged and loved.

It looks like a mini Barceloneta, right?!

The beach was beyond packed when we arrived, but as the afternoon wore on all the moms and dads packed up their broods. It was at this point that we learned oh-so-much about the beach. As worn down parents fruitlessly tried to herd their offspring we heard the yelling refrains of so many new beach lessons.

Apparently the beach is NOT for sticking your face in the sand. It is most certainly NOT about mom carrying everything. And in case I hadn't mentioned it, sand is NOT for your eyes. It was probably one of those you-had-to-be-there moments, but we could NOT stop hysterically laughing.

Some of the rogue children in the background behind Cliff and Lacy. As you can see, they are appropriately weighted down with beach crap because mom was NOT going to carry everything.

Enjoying the sunshine and the brisk ocean breeze. I was wrapped up in that towel by the time we decided to call it.

Angel trumpets!!!

Another Lacy lesson for the little sis. These berries will apparently not kill you. Hopefully. Because she made me eat one.

Just another happy Friday at the beach! Today we spent our Saturday afternoon hiking, and I'm too exhausted to say much more than that. Photos to come!

Summer School

2011-07-13T13:44:00.000-05:00

Brian and I have been back in the country for, well, an annoyingly long time it feels like. The Spanish adventure whirled by in the swipe of a debit card, and I feel confident there are picturesque Mediterranean beaches all along the coast of España crying out my name in longing even as I type this. I set my intention to return to Spain the moment I left after those 7 months in 2002, so after nine years of pining, planning and finally pulling the trigger, you could say I'm having a wee dose of cold reality that Spain 2.0 is all over.

Poof. Just like that.

Since returning from our fairytale journey, we've spent our summer as nomads, me reveling in my unemployment, Brian cursing his. We feel like we've been kicked, stretched, slung around and diced up all in the midst of being checked on, built up, cared for and even doted over. Thanks to friends and family we're still alive and scheming, but it's been quite the test for two culture-shocked adventurers trying desperately to figure out what comes next all while trying to surrender to the fact that maybe we're not supposed to be doing all the figuring. Confusing, right?

And amidst the laughter through tears, I've started to realize that maybe I've learned a thing or seven in the discomfort we've chosen this summer in the name of being truly happy in life.

1. Two cars are always better than one. Although zero car payments are of course better than any. So one paid off car should be better than two cars and a car payment. But somehow that logic always fails me on days like today when I feel naked without the car. And as a woman you reserve the right to be irritated if there is a car payment, and pouty if the lack of one means you have to share a car temporarily. (Pout.) Now I'm exhausted and confused. (Pout.)

2. I can live on approximately 5% of my wardrobe. Who knew?

3. Yoga a few times a week does not mean wine calories are miraculously null and void. (The nerve, right?!) But it does mean you can wear stretchy clothes which have magical powers when it comes to growing curves.

4. All pools were not created equal. There's something to be said for the condo complex seemingly packed to the gills with senior citizens. Cleanest. Pool. Ever.

5. Flopping around in said pool as you heave yourself up on the kindly-provided, high-dollar float unfortunately does not constitute a workout. (I swear my heart rate was elevated for a minute there.) However running up three flights of stairs to the condo to pee (because who would want to be the heathen who pollutes this crystal oasis) should, in all fairness, get to count as a workout.

6. It's more exciting to struggle in a foreign country with gorgeous beaches and exotic sounding people who say your name like they're making love to it. 'Kay-eee-la' in Texan and 'Kyyyy-laaaa' in Spanish just don't compare.

7. Tan-orexia is a very real and formidable condition. (Thank you Abby for giving name to this silent killer.) Oh no! I think I might be losing my tan at this very moment. WHERE IS THE NEAREST POOL?!

So, at least I'm growing, right? Oh and I almost forgot #8....

8. There's nothing like a blog post to procrastinate from what you should be doing. Working on your book!

April in Alicante, Part 2

2011-07-09T19:55:00.001-05:00

After I recovered from the blissful shock of spending the afternoon at Loly and Jose's, it was time to roll our happy tummies out of their kitchen and subir (climb) the castle. So we headed out for the walk back downtown.

There is an elevator on the seaside of El Castillo de Santa Barbara that costs a couple euro and deposits you sweat-free at the top. But that route is for sissies, and we are no sissies. The long climb up the back for us!

The one noticeable difference about the hike up the mountain was the fancy new walkway. I can't remember exactly what the first half of the journey was like 9 years ago, but I know for sure it didn't include this newly minted staircase with life support rail for leaning and gasping.

The castle is REALLY old. Like really, really old. The actual fortress was built by the Moors in the 9th century, but artifacts in Mount Benacantil (the mountain the castle sits on) have been found dating back to the Bronze Age (couple thousand years BC).

I absolutely adored the wise, majestic feel of the castle during my time in Alicante as a student. I would climb to the top at least a few times a week, either solo or with friends, to take in the view, write in my journal, and basically revel in the fact that I actually lived in this unbelievable place.

The stairs eventually spit you out on a winding road for the rest of the climb. I was so excited to get to the top that I kept leaving Dana and Brian a wee bit behind. Can you blame me?!

Success!! The memories poured in all at once and suddenly it felt like no time had passed at all. The only thing that was missing were my crazy study abroad friends, a bottle of wine and a bocadillo (sandwich).

It turned out that there was a huge festival in Alicante that weekend. (Claro! When was there not a huge festival in Alicante?)

It was welcoming the coming of spring and celebrating the end of winter and also kicking off some kind of countdown to Las Cruces de Mayo. I reserve the right to be wrong, but apparently it is a sort of debutante ball as well because dotted all over the castle grounds were young girls dressed in colorful ornamental gowns posing for photographs. Among the mix were girls in extravagant white gowns too.

It was definitely a neat sight but a little odd at the same time. Some of those girls were awfully young, and their photographers seemed to encourage the face-the-wall-and-turn-around-and-give-me-a-coy-sexy-little-smile pose. Gross. Ew.

Dana and Brian genuinely enjoyed the castle, which made me happy seeing as I'd talked it up for the last 9 years of my life, 8 of those with Brian. I think they were, however, a little less than thrilled at the continued uphill climb involved in enjoying said beauty, but I have to say that I was impressed with their patience on our Alicante day down memory lane.

The photo above is of the old city, the "barrio", where we were staying. The large red splotch right in the middle is a stage they were setting up at the little chapel just up from our place. We had no idea at this time that we'd end up being part of the festivities planned for later that night...

Above is the beach where I spent the majority of my time in 2002. It didn't matter if it was cold or hot, sunny or cloudy, I was on that beach, swimsuit layered under whatever clothes I needed to match the weather.

Below is the port where all the late-night clubs are. After bar hopping in the Barrio until 3am, we would all head to the port where the discos stayed open all night long. I don't even pretend to have that kind of stamina these days. But by God I was going to hit the port on this trip!

The population of Alicante is about 330,000 today. When I lived there it was closer to 275,000. It is one of the fastest growing cities in Spain, and its main economic driver is tourism. The city has an indescribable electricity, and everywhere you look you see young people. It reminds me a lot of my other favorite city - Austin!

See the huge white building above the bull ring? That's the atrocity that was built where the open-air market used to be.

These kids cracked us up the whole time we wandered the castle grounds. They had to be teenagers, and they were all but having sex up there on that lookout point. I couldn't help but snap a photo. Voyeuristic, I know, but I always think it's so hilarious how open the Spaniards are about PDA, like hard-core PDA. In no time this kid had the girl's bra off and was taking heavy petting to whole new levels.

Give me sultry 10-year-old.... Weird right? At least she's facing forward.

I didn't think things could get much better after that chance lunch with Loly, but I was practically floating as we explored and relaxed at the top of the castle. Something about me and Alicante just works really well.

We decided to take an alternate route down because Brian wanted to check out this hillside restaurant we could see from above. He was on a mission while we were in Spain to find restaurants with great views. Dana and I swore it was a different direction, but Brian stuck to his guns and led us down this path. Guess who was right? You've got to listen to the ladies.

The up side to our chosen path was that it literally dumped us out about 2 blocks from our apartment in the Barrio. After the castle extravaganza, we were sweaty and exhausted, so we decided to head back to the piso to get cleaned up before a Saturday night on the town. Unbeknownst to us, Alicante had other plans for us....

April in Alicante, Part 1

2011-07-05T17:58:00.000-05:00

Since being back in the States people have asked again and again about our wonderful sojourn in Spain. How was it? What did we see? What was our favorite part? Well, for me, hands down, Alicante was the absolute highlight of the trip.

I studied abroad in Alicante from January to June in 2002 as a bright-eyed 20-year-old college junior, and my time there carved out a spot in my heart paralleled by no other. In that sparkling gem of a city by the sea, I met some of my dearest friends, survived some of my wildest times and traveled some of my first steps towards finding my best self. I of course made many a missteps on my journey and cried fountains of tears (as my friends can attest to...you know who you are...thank you ALL), but none of that could ever darken the bright spot that is for me Alicante...my beach...my castle...my beloved city.

So with that said, imagine how overjoyed and terrified I was to return. It had been 9 years since I last wiggled my toes in Alicante's Spanish sand, and I was honestly afraid it wouldn't be the same as I remembered, that maybe the magic was in the memories.

How fabulously, gloriously wrong I was. Yes, things had changed; I didn't expect them to be the same. But the charm was still there, that unexplainable heartbeat and that invisible vibrancy that make this city so special, so Alicante.

So here is the Alicante of 2011...where I left off in the exciting tale of our 2011 travels...

Our quaint street in the barrio. Our apartment couldn't have been in a better location.

After getting settled into our cave apartment in the heart of the barrio Friday night (April 1), we set out Saturday for my official tour de Alicante for Dana and Brian.

The castle was literally in our backyard.

The plan: walk by the Plaza de Toros to see the bull ring, grab a piece of fruit at the open air market by my host family's apartment, take a few photos of the building I used to live in, subir (climb) the castle, say hello to the beach and then spend a wild night out in the barrio followed by the puerto.

Just down from our apartment, we passed this little plaza where our group of friends spent quite a bit of time back in 2002. The bar on the far left with the oval-shaped sign was our favorite spot to grab a mojito and sit outside. The bar has changed (claro) but I couldn't help smile as all the memories flooded back.

Plaza de Toros and Alicante's bull ring

After we wandered up past Plaza de Toros, the plan was to grab a quick snack at the open air market before hiking up to snap a few photos of my old neighborhood. Then we thought we'd find a nice spot for lunch before we headed up to the castle.

One problem.

No market!!!

The large white building in the photo above now stands where a sprawling empty parking lot once housed our twice-weekly massive farmers market. I was absolutely heartbroken so I grabbed an old man passing by and asked him in Spanish where the market was and how long this god-awful building had been there. Construction had commenced in 2009, and thankfully the market just moved a few streets over. Whew.

We were all a bit famished and the natives were getting restless, but I convinced Dana and Brian to press forward since we were so close to my old apartment. I lived here, on Calle del Ingeniero Sanchiz Pujalte.

My street where I lived with my host family in 2002

My heart literally skipped a beat when we made the short walk from the former-market through those familiar small streets. My mind was awash in so many afternoon walks to the beach, evening walks to meet friends, and early morning walks home from wild nights on the town.

My building

I found the building and immediately went over to inspect the call buttons to get in. I couldn't remember Loly and Jose's apartment number, but I thought if I saw their name, I'd buzz them on the off-chance that they might be home.

No such luck. Their names were not next to any of the buttons and I didn't have the slightest clue which flat was theirs. So I crossed to the other side of the street and decided I'd at least take a shot of the building (above).

Just then I saw a small little woman coming up the street and heading into the building. I darted over thinking I could perhaps just follow her in and take a few photos of the foyer. As I approached the woman I realized it wasn't just some Spanish woman, it was LOLY! MY HOST MOM!!!

I cried out "LOLY!! It's me Kayla!!" And she nearly dropped her groceries shouting out "KAYLA! KAYLA! KAYLA!" in her adorable little Spanish accent. We immediately started talking a mile a minute in Spanish (she doesn't speak a lick of English), me telling her that I'm visiting for the weekend while frantically waving over Dana and Brian from across the street.

I told her of my predicament in not knowing her piso number but wanting to say hello and she kept telling me over and over again the string of events that had led her to the store that then led her to being here at this moment. She swore it was fate. She hadn't planned to go the market and almost didn't at the last minute, and if she hadn't gone she kept saying how sad it would have been that I would have been down here in the street and she would have been up in her piso and we never would have seen each other!

Interior entry way. I cannot count the number of times I tried to quietly turn the key and tip toe through this door to my room. :)

She of course ushered us upstairs and I felt like I was 20 years old all over again. Familiar smells took me on a wild ride to almost a decade ago, and I realized my face was hurting from smiling so much. I feverishly snapped photos as we entered the apartment and Loly sang out to Jose that she had a "sorpresa" (surprise) for him.

The above photo is of the hallway in the piso. My bedroom was the first door to the left. The living room is just off to the right. And the kitchen is at the far end of the hall on the left. Straight ahead was Loly and Jose's bedroom.

My little bedroom had not changed a bit. I am a storyteller and a Burns, which means I'm a wee bit prone to exaggerating every now and then in the name of a good story, so Brian could not believe that my tiny little bed was actually as pint-sized as I had always described it. (The back cushions come off the sofa, which was where I slept.)

And yes, my tall self did not fit on that little bed. And yes, ALL my clothes were shoved in that petite built-in wardrobe to the left of the desk.

Loly and Jose! I cannot remember the exact number, but I think they said they've had over 40 students over the years... Three students a year for about 15 years. They stopped a few years after I left. I take no responsibility for that. ;)

Aside from the substantial amount of beer and wine that I'm sure didn't help my physique, this is the happy little kitchen that contributed to effectively fattening me up during my 4 months living with Loly and Jose. Loly's favorite thing to say to me was, "Kayla, come más"...which means "Kayla, eat more."

And I usually did.

Who wants to offend their host mom?!

Peeling potatoes with Loly for the tortilla espanola. I think she peeled 5 to my 1.

In good Spanish form, Loly insisted that we stay and eat. I was having the time of my life and I knew Brian was just so happy to see me happy, but poor Dana didn't speak a word of Spanish and was fading fast on the hunger front. So Loly offered up a few juicy oranges for snacking and suggested that she whip up a tortilla. I ADORE Loly's tortilla espanola.

First rule of making tortilla? Don't be afraid to make a mess!

I feel like I can be rather eloquent when I want to be, and yet I cannot begin to find the words to describe how infinitely special this afternoon was. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would see my host parents again, and to have Brian meet them and see the very spot where I laid my head was like the cherry on top.

I felt at that moment that I must have done something right in this world to deserve such an amazing gift from the Universe. It was not lost on me. Not one moment of it.

And what could have been more special than a Spanish cooking lesson with Loly?

Brian is more of the chef in our family. I usually man the chopping and prepping, but he's the one with the real skills in the kitchen, so he stepped up to the stove to learn the ins and outs of Tortilla Espanola 101. We had peeled enough potatoes to feed a small country, so Loly said we should make two - one as a demonstration and one at the hands of Mr. Brian Floyd.

Loly giving Brian a Spanish cooking lesson. Adorable!

Of course he was a natural. He was a bit worried to "dar la vuelta", the part where you have to flip over the tortilla with a plate and then put it back in the pan. But he nailed it.

There was a lot of laughter in the kitchen. Loly and I couldn't stop hugging one another, and Dana and Brian couldn't stop chuckling at how cute little Loly could just about lay her head on my chest.

Voila! A beautiful Spanish lunch. I offered my expertise with the cheese plate, and Loly threw together an absolutely delectable salad. Add in a few beers, a little bread, and lots of Spanish-English translating on my part, and you have my all-time favorite meal that we enjoyed while in Spain!!

I'm 5' 10" and Brian is 5' 11" but I feel like we look like giants next to Loly!! Adorable.

After a long, enjoyable lunch and a few tearful embraces, we finally said 'hasta luego' and promised to keep in touch. The Spanish are notorious for their long goodbyes, so we did it right and drug it out for a good 15 minutes.

Vale. Venga. Vale. Dos besos. Hasta luego!!

Loly and Jose over 40 years ago

I left Loly and Jose's piso feeling like my trip was complete. To me it didn't matter what happened from here on out on our journey, I would always feel like Spain 2.0 was an absolute success.

As we walked out onto the street, I had an undeniable spring in my step. And it was a good thing because I would need it for our next stop...the steep climb up El Castillo de Santa Barbara...

Guess What? I'm Writing!

2011-06-20T15:57:00.000-05:00

Today I'm feverishly working on my first creative writing project since becoming a work-liberated woman in 2011, and it's literally intoxicating! After a sweaty, mind-clearing session of yoga and a nutritious lunch, I'm feeling like I could conquer the world! (I promise I haven't had any caffeine.)

Brian is on the couch beside me preparing for his interviews and is quite entertained I think. He looks over ever so often and chuckles at my many faces of labor. I frequently waffle between bitten upper lip and furrowed brow, coy smile and squinted eyes, and pursed mouth and blank stare. I'm sure it's quite the sight.

Anyways, I just wanted to report that it feels FREAKING FABULOUS to be doing something that means something to me. It feels RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME to be working towards a goal that I've been whispering into the Universe for as long as I can remember (like my whole life). And it feels ABUNDANTLY FULFILLING to know that I'm finally writing my own destiny.

As for what I'm working on.... it started as a short story when I was in Spain, but with a flood of ideas and a love of my characters I'm teetering on the edge of oh-crap-should-I-jump-in-and-make-it-a-novel. We'll see! No rules, no constraints.

In the meantime, I'm so infinitely grateful for this surge of creativity this year and this little nudge in my favorite direction...forward. My highest and brightest self is sending lots of love and good energy out into the Universe today in hopes that your highest and brightest self is also doing something today that you truly love. And if you're not (because we've ALL been there), I offer the intention that you're at least working towards that goal.

Weeeeee!

The Bright Side

2011-06-09T14:05:00.001-05:00

Every year my sister and I each pick a word as a kind of anthem, a motto if you will, to define how we will look at life for the next 365 days. 2011 saw the beginning of some very big changes for me...quitting my job, traveling to Europe for half the year, and beginning work on my first novel.

So appropriately I decided my word for this year would be "promise".

Promise for new adventures, a new career, a new life focused on the me I want to be. A promise to myself to seek the kind of life that makes me proud to wake up everyday. And despite the growing pains of transition and uncertainty mixed in with a little bit of limbo, things were going swimmingly well.

Until yesterday when a seemingly quick-fix computer virus turned into a data-eating monster that gobbled up ALL my writing EVER saved on this handy dandy happy little pink laptop.

Including my novel.

Gulp.

So my promise-filled, peachy existence turned into something more out of an ironic tragedy.

Remember this book from childhood?

That's pretty much how I felt. Except like 10 times worse. And add in a few expletives.

So for 24 hours as I pined over whether or not my precious data would ever be recovered, I was forced to examine what's important...like really, really important. And I can tell you that there for a few hours I pretty much thought life was over. What could I have done so wrong to this Universe that it would feel the need to strike my first little fledgling attempt at author-dom from this world?

I laughingly (well more like sarcastic laughter through a nice, dramatic ugly cry) decided that maybe it was so horrible that God was saving me from the embarrassment of trying to get it published. Oh, we self-loathing artist-types....

But as I took deep yogic breaths and said prayer after prayer, I rubbed my favorite necklace and remembered this:

After every dark night comes a brighter day.

Which made me think of the sun. Which made me think of God. Which made me think of this great book I'm reading called The Artist's Way. (Amazing how this mind of mine works.) It was a recommendation from my older sister several years back, and the tag line for the book is "a spiritual path to higher creativity".

A few excerpts from the intro say:

"Art is a spiritual transaction...

We routinely practice a form of faith, seeing clearly and moving toward a creative goal that shimmers in the distance - often visible to us, but invisible to those around us....

Art is an act of faith, and we practice practicing it. Sometimes we are called on pilgrimages on its behalf and, like many pilgrims, we doubt the call even as we answer it. But answer it we do....

Creativity is an act of faith, and we must be faithful to that faith, willing to share it to help others, and to be helped in return...."

Later on in the book, the author talks of creative affirmations, many again referring to God's hand in the act of creating:

"My dreams come from God and God has the power to accomplish them.

Through the use of my creativity, I serve God."

And so on.

Basically, my poor, pitiful, woe-is-me self began to get the gist.

The fact that I even have anything creative, worthwhile to say comes not from me but from God, from this incredibly amazing Universe. And if it was meant to be taken, so be it. I am creating for something higher than my ego. (Tough one to swallow for a habitual pleaser.) And I will just have to rewrite, redo, recharge.

I'm a big believer in 'everything happens for a reason' and late last night amidst tossing and turning, I realized that this was my golden chance to finally practice what I preach. To learn from this major inconvenience, move forward, and yes, start backing everything up on my external hard drive.

And just as the sun peeked over the horizon this morning and my dark sleepless night finally cracked into small sparkling little realizations, my cell phone cried out with its peppy ring, and there was Ralph the Computer Guy on the other end of the line.

Data. Restored. Praise. God.

A valuable lesson I think... About why I create. Why I was given this gift. And who ultimately decides what that promise holds.

And I'm telling you right now, it ain't Kayla Floyd.

And thank God for that.

My Birthday Promise to Me

2011-06-06T17:04:00.001-05:00

I love birthdays. Maybe it’s because we’ve always done them so well in our family. Lots of ribbon and confetti. Early morning calls with comical refrains of “happy birthday” crooning out the other end of the phone. Throw in a few giant balloons and maybe a cookie cake for good measure. We’re people who know how to celebrate.

I love that.

So today I’m feeling extra wonderful. Super loved. Enormously happy to have had the joy of this journey these last 30 years. And warm with gratitude as I think back upon all those many birthdays that have made me feel, well, happy to be me.

And as I dig back amidst a treasure trove of memories, I can’t help but chuckle, gently touch the many scars, and shed a triumphant tear. I am skipping into my 30s so thankful for the many lessons I learned about myself in my 20s, but at the same time so infinitely glad it’s over!

My 20s were all about figuring out who I am. What I want. How I’m supposed to make a difference in this life. And I’m dedicating my 30s to living those dreams that a decade worth of growing unveiled. Being the me that it has taken me so long to uncover, coax out and encourage along. I’m so ready to delight in being me.

Twenties, you were great. You were fun, exciting, wild even. But you were tough on the ol’ soul at times. I bury you with great love and reverence and promise to keep all the fun times close to the heart. And as I leap into 30, I'm giving myself a different kind of present. I'm lightening my load and leaving a few things behind...

1. Weight woes. I am done chasing high-school-skinny, college-skinny, wedding-skinny or any other time of skinny in my life. I vow to be in THIS body today. To nourish it and love it and encourage it when it’s feeling sluggish, plump, or otherwise blah. I promise to stop listening to what the world thinks I should look like in a bikini and to stop comparing myself to anyone else, especially younger versions of me.

Body, I appreciate you for all your strengths and limitations. I feel your pain when you hurt and I ache for the burden that you’ve carried for us all these years. We’ll make it through. I never thought I would say that to you, spine woes and all, but I’m so excited that we’re finally on the same team. Go us!

2. Food fixation. I refuse to beat myself up over the food I choose to put in my mouth. If it’s delicious, I’m going to savor and taste, not regret and blame. I have no desire to put things in my mouth that I don’t enjoy, and I’m going to enjoy the things I do.

To my taste buds and my happy little tummy, it has been such a strange and eye-opening adventure learning what we like and how it makes us feel. I’m sorry I abused us for so long with too much junk food and not enough veggies. Knowledge is power, and I’m so proud that I know how to better feed us now. Here’s to our vege-iversary this past February and our nightly red wine and 90% dark chocolate square. God, I love that combo.

3. Career confusion. Where to begin. There is oh-so-much to say. I promise, promise, promise to give up this twisted desire to please. I am flinging myself whole-heartedly into my creative career and sloughing off the childhood notion that I have to ‘perform’ to succeed. I will honor this gift, give voice to my whisper and never take another job because it’s the ‘safe’ thing to do.

To the writer within, thank you for your patient hum in my ever-worrying little heart. Thank you for never giving up on me and for helping me to see that we are worth more than our paycheck. I’m scared as hell and giddier than I’ve ever been in my whole life. I think we’re doing something right.

4. The martyr myth. Another big one. In this family of such lovely, big-hearted, selfless people, it’s sometimes hard to draw this line, but I promise to take care of me. And do it well. I won’t feel guilty or question myself for saying no, knowing my limits, and perfecting the art of graceful self-preservation.

To me, the whole me…body, mind and spirit. I promise to build you up, encourage you, pamper you, indulge you, and remind you every day how special you are. If we can take good care of us, we can do so much better at being there to support others as they learn to take care of them.

So here’s to THIRTY! Here’s to the lessons I have learned along the way. And here’s to ME!!

A Greek Road Trip - Day 1

2011-05-20T11:07:00.000-05:00

The island of Corfu, Greece is only 40 miles long and 20 miles across at its widest point. Completely doable for a roadtrip around the island in the little Fiat Punto.

So on Tuesday, May 10, we set out for a little two-day adventure. First stop Agios Issos by Lake Korission where part of a Bond movie was supposedly filmed.

The Ionian Sea was of course beautiful as always...

The lake? Eh. We could take it or leave it. The boys had more fun climbing the big rocky dunes than they did looking at the lake. You can kind of see it behind them. It looked like a lake.

We have yet to figure out the mystery of these little churches below. They dotted the roadside on our entire trip, so much so that I had decisively declared they simply MUST be mailboxes.

Laughable, I know.

But lo and behold, we finally saw one with a lit candle inside and a few other items that looked like a photo and a folded piece of paper. Some sort of vigil to a Saint or a loved one? Dunno...

Toby loves turning off on tiny roads "just to see what we find" and one such find was this hidden little taverna: Sunset Taverna.

Most of the tavernas also double as someone's home, and seeing as we were still about a week shy of the "official" season starting for tourists, many were pretty well empty, if not closed. So when you pull into the driveway, it's kind of oddly like just pulling up to someone's house that you don't know and barging in and demanding a drink. Lol. Luckily, these people were pretty nice about it.

The owners were a young couple, probably in their 30s, who at first thought we were their beer reps come to take their order for the season. When we assured them that no, we were just thirsty Americans, they had a good laugh and busied themselves getting us equipped for a nice time at a private beach nearby.

The owner packed us a bag with four Greek beers (Fix brand) along with a bar-key and gave us directions to a gorgeous beach just down the way...

Stay on the PAVED road (very important detail) past the church....

Keep going at the marina...

Alas!

Deserted beach-hopping is my and Brian's new all-time favorite hobby since living in Spain. This beauty was almost at the southernmost-tip of Corfu island.

We girls of course took no time finding a spot to sun and take in the view. While the boys skipped rocks (claro)...

And Toby tried his hand at makeshift spearfishing.

Lol.

No, he didn't catch anything. But he provided great entertainment for Amanda and I while we tanned.

After a bit we loaded back into the Punto, headed back up the mountain to return our bottles to our new friend and set out for the next beach.

Toby was absolutely wonderful about stopping at my every whim to take a photo. We all about died when we saw this one-legged rooster along our journey! Turns out he's just a yogi Rooster doing tree pose. Still pretty funny.

Our route began by cutting straight across the island from Corfu town to the lake, then south. We had planned to spend one night on the southern tip of the island and the next night on the northern side, but we weren't feeling it on the southside. Beautiful as it was, no one little village was calling our name.

So onward and upward! Well, northward.

Happy little Greek heads...

Amanda was on a mission to pick fresh fruit from all the citrus trees. She had successfully plucked an orange the day before, and was out for a lemon this day.

Her only problem? She's a little bit vertically-challenged, and Brian had to come to the rescue. Sorry, Amanda, we'll still give you credit for picking it. ;)

One thing to remember when driving in Corfu?

Absolutely, positively NO honking!

These signs randomly dotted some of the smaller villages we traversed, and we cracked up laughing every time. And yes, we often gave a celebratory honk at encountering another sign. Rebels.

The national drink of Greece is the Frappe. Correctly pronounced: frap-pay. Toby pronounced: frap-pee.

It's basically a frothy instant coffee served on ice with milk and sugar. Toby was pretty much ADDICTED to them after his first taste on the Androniki on day one, and he probably suggested a "frappe stop" at least 20 times a day. We tried to oblige him every 10th time or so.

Which is how we found this gorgeous gem of a spot. Headed north on the east side of the island, we stopped for a frappe at a seaside restaurant with this fabulous rustic pier.

Say Frappe!!

I don't think we got 5 miles down the road when Toby decided we needed another frappy :)

So we deferred to the driver and let him twist our arms into another delicious frothy coffee and another seaside spot.

Don't forget...NO honking!

After a full day of impromptu stops and hidden beaches, we arrived in Kassiopi, a quaint village at the north of the island.

We drove around and around looking for a place to stay and thought we had found the perfect ocean-view spot. But lo and behold they needed one more week to prepare the rooms. Claro.

Amanda used her best sales skills to tell them about all the cold hard cash we had if they wanted to just scamper on in and fix us up a couple rooms, but there is no rushing the Greeks. So we settled on the only open hotel in the town (not ocean view, but walking distance at least).

Once we had a spot secured for the night, we headed down to yet another secluded beach to catch another amazing Greek sunset.

Brian and I threw rocks and marveled at this crazy wonderful life that is ours...

And Amanda and Toby made a new friend. :)

It was the perfect end to yet another fun-filled day!

Wednesday we would tour the north side of the island...

A Chilly Greek Monday

2011-05-18T18:24:00.000-05:00

After a sun-drenched weekend, we were only slightly disheartened to wake up to a cold, damp Monday in Greece. I was at least ironically happy to see that my theory holds true: Mondays suck everywhere, even in paradise.

But we didn't let a cold day keep us down for long! Brian and I had become experts in chilly-weather fun in Barcelona, so Corfu was no match for us.

My one request for our time in Greece was to rent a motorboat and toodle around to beautiful beaches only reachable by sea.

So we went here to rent a boat in Paleokastritsas, only to find that motorboats are rented by the day and it was already midday by then. And to come to our senses and realize that motorboating would mean going very fast, which would probably equal even chillier. No thank you. We'll see you another day motorboat.

So we loaded the boys back up in our little Fiat Punto and headed out for adventure.

We took windy pictures on beautiful deserted beaches...

And talked about what kind of compact car we would all buy when we got back to America...

And stopped at amazing vistas like this...

And this....

We found meandering paths through quaint Greek villages...

And plucked fresh oranges straight from the tree...

To be immediately enjoyed in the car of course!

We buzzed through sleepy little towns like these...

We zoomed past olive groves...

And the braver of the group even sampled their fresh delights. Not so delightful.

Alas! We found a castle that begged to be explored...

So we parked the little Punto and set out for a hike....

First things first. At the foot of our castle was this wonderful little cafe with sweeping views...

Perfect for a frappe before our journey! It is the national drink of Greece you know.

It drizzled. And we climbed...

Only to find our castle CLOSED.

Amanda refused to walk one step further. Can't say as I blame her...

So we took advantage of yet another gorgeous view...

And snapped a few beauty shots for posterity's sake.

Then it was down, down, down....

Down, down, down...

We loaded back in our car and let the great adventure continue. More breathtaking views and lots of laughter...

We are fun of course.

It was probably one of the best Mondays I've ever had!

And not to be forgotten...Toby's drive down this pedestrian road!

Yep, we decided to do a little souvenir shopping in the downtown area of Corfu-town, and one wrong turn turned into a 10 minute drive down one of the busiest PEOPLE-ONLY shopping streets in Corfu. We were laughing HYSTERICALLY as Toby dodged cafe tables set up outside along with sneering tourists straight off the cruise ship. I have never laughed so hard and been so embarrassed in my life. I held Amanda's purple pashmina over my face the whole time. Classic. Only the four of us. Seriously.

Yep, EPIC Monday.

The Androniki - Day 2

2011-05-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

Well, ugh! Blogger has eaten this blog post, and all the text I wrote is no where to be found. Soooo, this tired, tanned Greek goddess is just going to settle for a photo post. I'm sure you can get the picture. Sun, fun, sailboating, swimming, drinking, laughing, enjoying...

Welcome to our Sunday Funday on the Androniki!!

We didn't think it was possible but Day 2 was even more beautiful than Day 1....